in the end, you trust no one but yourself..

[from sunday, january 07, 2007 - 6:12 pm]

everytime you fall for someone, you give part of your heart away to that person.

how many times are you going to give your heart away before you get married?
how much of your heart will there be left for your future spouse?
is there even going to be anything left at all?
will you end up with a misconception about the oppsite sex after all the breakups?
can you come clean about your past with your spouse?
would you have regretted giving pieces of your heart away?
will love even hold any meaning?

think about those 7 questions. if that is what you are going through in your life, maybe you should reconsider whatever you are doing. just as you may desire purity in him/her, i am certain he/she will desire the same extent of purity within you. imagine if your could have a glimpse of your spouse now, and caught them making out at some club, hw would you feel? i know how i would: just like any normal human would, crying because her affection was being given to someone else.

what if the Messiah who went through all the torture, died hanging naked on the cross and bore all the humiliation, saw you in whatever state you are in. what if He found out that He died for you so you could just enjoy life as it is.

will He have wet eyes as He watches you live your life, the life that He died to set you free from?

i have a covenant with God since i was young. i always thought kisses were icky and gross, but as i grew older, i started viewing a kiss as something passionate, and act that somewhat lets you express your love and passion. to admit, i came so close to giving my first kiss away once. so close..and as i look back i really thank God that i didnt. i want my first kiss to be special, i want my first to be given to my wife at the altar. and its stricty a covenant between me, my wife and God. the first ever kiss i will give away (to another girl besides my mom) will be at the altar.

i want it to be something special for her..

say its far-fetched. say its crazy. say whatever you want, but that doesnt leave any room for me to compromise my purity. and i hope that you will take up the same promise to..not for me, not for anyone, but solely for the person whom you are going to spend the rest of your life with.

my age of 21 has yet to arrive..

i couldnt resist not posting for so long; i guess i need to EMPHASIZE two points to people who ever see this:

1) im single, and proud of it. girls are a strict no-no, well at least till im 21 (reference taken from 07jan07 post)

2) i will NOT be involved with ANYBODY FROM CHURCH - nothing more than a just a brother to them.

period.

THIS BLOG IS OFFICIALLY SHUT DOWN

(but i do suppose it does deserve one last post. later perhaps..its still under drafts)

reviewing the posts i made in 2006, a lot of friendships in the past aren't what they were today. and it has brought to thought if absence really does make the heart fonder. but still 2007 has been a great year too (save that of my dislike for innova, and constant negelct), and i grown closer to many church youths! praise God for that.

When God Made You - Newsong

It's always been a mystery to me
How two hearts can come together
And love can last forever
But now that I have found you, I believe
That a miracle has come
When God sends the perfect one

Now gone are all my questions about why
And I've never been so sure of anything in my life

I wonder what God was thinking
When He created you
I wonder if He knew everything I would need
Because He made all my dreams come true
When God made you
He must have been thinking about me

I promise that wherever you may go
Wherever life may lead you
With all my heart I'll be there too
From this moment on I want you to know
I'll let nothing come between us
I'll love what ever you love

He made the sun He made the moon
to harmonise in perfect tune
One can't move without the other
They just have to be together
And that is why I know it's true
You're for me and I'm for you
Cause my world just can't be right
Without you in my life

I wonder what God was thinking
When He created you
I wonder if He knew everything I would need
Because He made all my dreams come true
He must have heard every prayer I've been praying
Yes, He knew everything I would need
When God made you
When dreams come true
Cause When God made you
He must have been thinking about me

The Toys - by Patmore Coventry

My little Son, who look'd from thoughtful eyes
And moved and spoke in quiet grown-up wise,
Having my law the seventh time disobey'd,
I struck him, and dismiss'd
With hard words and unkiss'd,
—His Mother, who was patient, being dead.
Then, fearing lest his grief should hinder sleep,
I visited his bed,
But found him slumbering deep,
With darken'd eyelids, and their lashes yet
From his late sobbing wet.
And I, with moan,
Kissing away his tears, left others of my own;
For, on a table drawn beside his head,
He had put, within his reach,
A box of counters and a red-vein'd stone,
A piece of glass abraded by the beach,
And six or seven shells,
A bottle with bluebells,
And two French copper coins, ranged there with careful art,
To comfort his sad heart.
So when that night I pray'd
To God, I wept, and said:
Ah, when at last we lie with trancèd breath,
Not vexing Thee in death,
And Thou rememberest of what toys
We made our joys,
How weakly understood
Thy great commanded good,
Then, fatherly not less
Than I whom Thou hast moulded from the clay,
Thou'lt leave Thy wrath, and say,
'I will be sorry for their childishness.'

the simplicity in the trasures a child finds..
innoncence.

Definition of a friend?

All I want is someone to trust,
putting your worries to dust,
Words are free, nothing to withold,
whenever they could be warm or cold...

Someone being able to know,
someone who listens, ready to bow,
Where feelings are one,
someone that takes ready-to-bow equally as poke fun...

Someone to be proud to have,
that one thats ready to save,
Someone I know we will never leave,
just that one thing that makes life a relief!

That one that is there,
even when you are flying above the clouds,
above the world, above the sky, in the air,
The one I will give my word of 'I will be there'!

It's such a filling feeling,
the one that gets you off (or on) the ceiling,
That one that sometimes brings mess,
being to be able to confess ...

Someone who you could trust your tiny life,
even if he is man or wife,
A word is worth a 1000 lines of feelings,
you'd better be less on those ceilings !

He accepts you whoever you are,
Whenever you like the sun, the moon or any star,
Defends you whatever you stand for,
The one you want to be in front of your door!

A word of honesty towards each other,
someone which will sometimes bother,
slight compassian, twist of humor,
He'll bother you back anyways, just don't get a tumor!

A friend you could never leave,
That one that always gives you a relieve,
Hope seeing him back soon again,
That's a true friend, that one that's most humane!

Sunday, July 16, 2006

"look for someone who will light the candles, not curse the darkness"

another week. another luggage of worries.

trying to travel light, but i cant. always getting involved in what doesnt concern me. being at the wrong place at the wrong time. saying the right thing at the wrong time. lost. confused. HELPLESS.

i know where i need to be, but yet is that where i really wanna go to? calling at one place, heart at another. can i ever give my best in whatever i do. once i felt torn in between. trying to mend the scars, stich it back. yet it seems on one side another split is opening. i really dont wanna go for CG anymore, because the more i do, the more i feel torn i between.

isnt it ironic? coming here to escape reality just to find it again.

dont know where i should really go now. i thought i had it all figured out, guess i thought wrong now. i cant possibly be at two places at one time. tugging at both sides, where should i go. neither left nor right. i will walk straight to find You.

i know you guys mean it jokingly whenever you say it, but i take it seriously. two on one side, three on the other. i feel lost in between, not even wanting to have to choose between both. seriously, im just another person. whats so special about me? nothing, i feel like i will only cause more trouble. you guys know how i feel, and honestly speaking, i dont want to have that feeling here again. i just want a happy friendship with ALL of you, without having to ever CHOOSE.

[to the one who owes me waffles]
it's really been great knowing you and all. like i said i have so many things to say to you, mainly because im really inspired by your faith in God. so many things has happened in your life, but yet you are still standing strong for the Lord. and i really want to be like you, to have that faith that He will carry me through. you really have been an encouragement to me, and i hope i will be so too. whatever happens, always know that He will be there to carry us through. whatever we have experienced, God has exprienced ten-fold. He even knows what its like to lose a loved one, because He gave His only Son to die for all of us. amazing grace, that He would die for sinners such as us. He really understands ya. run on for Him..forever.

[to the one who lent me his PS2]
i still remember the first time we met. you were calling me to join your team for floorball but i was rather reluctant. as time passed i came to know about a different side of you, one that is so similar to mine. and sometimes i feel that you can relate to whatever i am feeling, and i really appreciate your effort in trying to reach out to me. but somehow probably i just sense so much more in your heart, so many more things that are bothering you. and brother i just wanna let you know that i will always be here to lend a listening ear or a helping hand. and He will always be here to carry us through. never forget that.

[to the one who made me feel welcome in church]
well i see you everyday in school..from the first impression i had of you, you have truely proven me wrong. i see you so on fire for God that sometimes i reflect back on my life and im wondering what im doing. i see Him radiating in your life, with your constant smile and cheerfulness, you never fail to cheer me up when im down. i see how God has used you in His church, the joy and encouragement you bring to other people. your openess and jovial character. and i really thank the Lord that i came to know you. really thank you for all the encouragement and relief you've given me. thank you for everything.

[to the one whom i always play table-tennis with]
thanks to you i can say my skills have improved considerably!! that aside, i really have to say again that im really proud of you. how God has changed and shaped you within this short time, even with a construction of a Christian blog. i really appreciate you efforts in reaching out to eddie, as well as being a good friend who is always there for me. i see you more God-like, and that is just a testimony of how God has changed you into a better person, a real example that He shaped us into something more beautiful. my prayer for you is that you will continually turn to Him in times of desperation and need, and not succumb to peer pressure. the devil is always there to try to pry us away from God, and i pray that ou will stand firm in times of testing and trial. live for Him and shine for Him. burn on brother.

[to the one whom i was always at loggerheads with]
like i said so many times i never imagined i would share this type of friendship with you before in my life. nonetheless im happy that God has put you back in my life. im really encouraged by your devotion in calling eddie down to church all the time, and your determination. i know sometimes you might feel wierd about it, like sending out wrong messages, but dont worry. i am sure God will use you mightily especially in the world. pray that you will never ever forget what your first experience in sawa was like, never let that fire die down. so many people out there need to hear the Good News. let us who can go, give them the gift that our loving Father has given us. go and touch the world.

[to the one whom i really pray for salvation]
it has been a miracle all the time with you around. i guess you dont know this, but we have all been witnessing a miracle, a miracle so close, a miracle which is you. from the once stubborn and obstinate guy i known, you've really grown into someone more than that person i once knew. im really happy to see you in church and one day i hope i can be serving alongside you. but i just want you to know that its your choice. to accept Him, or not, its all your choice. like i said before, no strings attached. but im really proud of you, especailly standing up for your friends and just being there for me. thank you so much..

guys, im really encouraged by ALL of you. maybe you dont realise it, but i dont think i have ever been happier in my life. just hanging out brings a smile to my face. its your presence and encouragement that spurs me on. seeing how God has worked in your life, how on fire you are for Him, i never ever want to see that disappear.

stay strong.
run on.
and finish strong...

together.

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im thinking of what to tag, but im lost for words. speechless.

reminiscing has always been a favourite hobby of mine, especially at night when all is quiet. reading this post way back, somewhere inside something is stirring. out of 6, i've totally lost contact with 1, and for the rest, its been so hard to keep in contact. maybe its all cause we've moved up to higher educations and suddenly caught up in a flurry of work, time has been so scarce to meet up regularly. sometimes, i execrate myself for being shy and not talking much when we meet these days. i miss those times that i once shared with you guys, those nights studying in church, those late dinners and suppers at the coffeeshop, dozens of floorball games, basketball matches with mervin and benn, table tennis in cana hall, having CG together, going out together just to catch a movie, lucille's surprise birthday meeting in the wee hours of the morning, that world cup stay over at yongling's house, jogging outside church with eddie, those hilarious moments with sarah, waffles with yongling, that day of aimless bus rides in singapore with eddie and lucille, praying together with all of you, trying to get eddie to come down to church, all those pastamania dinners we always have in causeway point..

suddenly all these seems like memories, faded and embossed in thoughts. there's really nothing i wouldnt give to relieve those times and depth of friendship, yet it seems too far back in the past. true, i've managed to somewhat integrate myself in YZ, but i also dont want to lose you people. though last year, trying and implacable, it was the year where i can truly say i really did enjoy myself, and for that time, i feel accepted and loved. now everything seems to have gone haywire, and somehow i think i could have prevented it in a way or so. pairs of us, each in an institution. and even then, everything feels so distant..
we're in the same school, yet SOOO distant from each other
im becoming more reticent.






i miss ALL of you. i really do.

im officially mesmerized and enthralled but Kotaro Oshio's rendition of "Last Christmas"! it sounds really captivating and ethereal and i dont think i heard any nicer instrumental. the slap harmonics are gonna be remarkably hard for me i suppose..cosidering the only piece i ever "slapped" for was "More Than Words". the only thing is now to find the tabs...the internet doesnt seem to have it. and graham is only 35% done with it.

next on my list to learn(: [although im still not done with mariage d amour...]

i wonder what it is like facing death..

23 korean missionaries kidnapped in taliban and facing death threats by the insurgents. the prospect of death the very reality everyone faces..and i wonder what it's like to stare at death, after which, comes an eternal peace. Father keep me strong and help me persevere for You

and reading lynn's blog, i never really fancied birthdays. just another reminder of His grace in all the previous years of my life. my 21st birthday? i'd choose to spend it with the children overseas..