youth on fire

2008-07-22T22:04:00.000+08:00

in the end, you trust no one but yourself..

2008-06-30T00:06:00.000+08:00

[from sunday, january 07, 2007 - 6:12 pm]

everytime you fall for someone, you give part of your heart away to that person.

how many times are you going to give your heart away before you get married?
how much of your heart will there be left for your future spouse?
is there even going to be anything left at all?
will you end up with a misconception about the oppsite sex after all the breakups?
can you come clean about your past with your spouse?
would you have regretted giving pieces of your heart away?
will love even hold any meaning?

think about those 7 questions. if that is what you are going through in your life, maybe you should reconsider whatever you are doing. just as you may desire purity in him/her, i am certain he/she will desire the same extent of purity within you. imagine if your could have a glimpse of your spouse now, and caught them making out at some club, hw would you feel? i know how i would: just like any normal human would, crying because her affection was being given to someone else.

what if the Messiah who went through all the torture, died hanging naked on the cross and bore all the humiliation, saw you in whatever state you are in. what if He found out that He died for you so you could just enjoy life as it is.

will He have wet eyes as He watches you live your life, the life that He died to set you free from?

i have a covenant with God since i was young. i always thought kisses were icky and gross, but as i grew older, i started viewing a kiss as something passionate, and act that somewhat lets you express your love and passion. to admit, i came so close to giving my first kiss away once. so close..and as i look back i really thank God that i didnt. i want my first kiss to be special, i want my first to be given to my wife at the altar. and its stricty a covenant between me, my wife and God. the first ever kiss i will give away (to another girl besides my mom) will be at the altar.

i want it to be something special for her..

say its far-fetched. say its crazy. say whatever you want, but that doesnt leave any room for me to compromise my purity. and i hope that you will take up the same promise to..not for me, not for anyone, but solely for the person whom you are going to spend the rest of your life with.

my age of 21 has yet to arrive..

2008-03-13T00:45:00.004+08:00

i couldnt resist not posting for so long; i guess i need to EMPHASIZE two points to people who ever see this:

1) im single, and proud of it. girls are a strict no-no, well at least till im 21 (reference taken from 07jan07 post)

2) i will NOT be involved with ANYBODY FROM CHURCH - nothing more than a just a brother to them.

period.

2007-12-31T23:59:00.000+08:00

THIS BLOG IS OFFICIALLY SHUT DOWN

(but i do suppose it does deserve one last post. later perhaps..its still under drafts)

reviewing the posts i made in 2006, a lot of friendships in the past aren't what they were today. and it has brought to thought if absence really does make the heart fonder. but still 2007 has been a great year too (save that of my dislike for innova, and constant negelct), and i grown closer to many church youths! praise God for that.

2007-10-29T23:27:00.000+08:00

When God Made You - Newsong

It's always been a mystery to me
How two hearts can come together
And love can last forever
But now that I have found you, I believe
That a miracle has come
When God sends the perfect one

Now gone are all my questions about why
And I've never been so sure of anything in my life

I wonder what God was thinking
When He created you
I wonder if He knew everything I would need
Because He made all my dreams come true
When God made you
He must have been thinking about me

I promise that wherever you may go
Wherever life may lead you
With all my heart I'll be there too
From this moment on I want you to know
I'll let nothing come between us
I'll love what ever you love

He made the sun He made the moon
to harmonise in perfect tune
One can't move without the other
They just have to be together
And that is why I know it's true
You're for me and I'm for you
Cause my world just can't be right
Without you in my life

I wonder what God was thinking
When He created you
I wonder if He knew everything I would need
Because He made all my dreams come true
He must have heard every prayer I've been praying
Yes, He knew everything I would need
When God made you
When dreams come true
Cause When God made you
He must have been thinking about me

2007-09-25T20:45:00.000+08:00

The Toys - by Patmore Coventry

My little Son, who look'd from thoughtful eyes
And moved and spoke in quiet grown-up wise,
Having my law the seventh time disobey'd,
I struck him, and dismiss'd
With hard words and unkiss'd,
—His Mother, who was patient, being dead.
Then, fearing lest his grief should hinder sleep,
I visited his bed,
But found him slumbering deep,
With darken'd eyelids, and their lashes yet
From his late sobbing wet.
And I, with moan,
Kissing away his tears, left others of my own;
For, on a table drawn beside his head,
He had put, within his reach,
A box of counters and a red-vein'd stone,
A piece of glass abraded by the beach,
And six or seven shells,
A bottle with bluebells,
And two French copper coins, ranged there with careful art,
To comfort his sad heart.
So when that night I pray'd
To God, I wept, and said:
Ah, when at last we lie with trancèd breath,
Not vexing Thee in death,
And Thou rememberest of what toys
We made our joys,
How weakly understood
Thy great commanded good,
Then, fatherly not less
Than I whom Thou hast moulded from the clay,
Thou'lt leave Thy wrath, and say,
'I will be sorry for their childishness.'

the simplicity in the trasures a child finds..
innoncence.

2007-09-12T23:03:00.000+08:00

Definition of a friend?

All I want is someone to trust,
putting your worries to dust,
Words are free, nothing to withold,
whenever they could be warm or cold...

Someone being able to know,
someone who listens, ready to bow,
Where feelings are one,
someone that takes ready-to-bow equally as poke fun...

Someone to be proud to have,
that one thats ready to save,
Someone I know we will never leave,
just that one thing that makes life a relief!

That one that is there,
even when you are flying above the clouds,
above the world, above the sky, in the air,
The one I will give my word of 'I will be there'!

It's such a filling feeling,
the one that gets you off (or on) the ceiling,
That one that sometimes brings mess,
being to be able to confess ...

Someone who you could trust your tiny life,
even if he is man or wife,
A word is worth a 1000 lines of feelings,
you'd better be less on those ceilings !

He accepts you whoever you are,
Whenever you like the sun, the moon or any star,
Defends you whatever you stand for,
The one you want to be in front of your door!

A word of honesty towards each other,
someone which will sometimes bother,
slight compassian, twist of humor,
He'll bother you back anyways, just don't get a tumor!

A friend you could never leave,
That one that always gives you a relieve,
Hope seeing him back soon again,
That's a true friend, that one that's most humane!

2007-08-27T03:51:00.000+08:00

Sunday, July 16, 2006

"look for someone who will light the candles, not curse the darkness"

another week. another luggage of worries.

trying to travel light, but i cant. always getting involved in what doesnt concern me. being at the wrong place at the wrong time. saying the right thing at the wrong time. lost. confused. HELPLESS.

i know where i need to be, but yet is that where i really wanna go to? calling at one place, heart at another. can i ever give my best in whatever i do. once i felt torn in between. trying to mend the scars, stich it back. yet it seems on one side another split is opening. i really dont wanna go for CG anymore, because the more i do, the more i feel torn i between.

isnt it ironic? coming here to escape reality just to find it again.

dont know where i should really go now. i thought i had it all figured out, guess i thought wrong now. i cant possibly be at two places at one time. tugging at both sides, where should i go. neither left nor right. i will walk straight to find You.

i know you guys mean it jokingly whenever you say it, but i take it seriously. two on one side, three on the other. i feel lost in between, not even wanting to have to choose between both. seriously, im just another person. whats so special about me? nothing, i feel like i will only cause more trouble. you guys know how i feel, and honestly speaking, i dont want to have that feeling here again. i just want a happy friendship with ALL of you, without having to ever CHOOSE.

[to the one who owes me waffles]
it's really been great knowing you and all. like i said i have so many things to say to you, mainly because im really inspired by your faith in God. so many things has happened in your life, but yet you are still standing strong for the Lord. and i really want to be like you, to have that faith that He will carry me through. you really have been an encouragement to me, and i hope i will be so too. whatever happens, always know that He will be there to carry us through. whatever we have experienced, God has exprienced ten-fold. He even knows what its like to lose a loved one, because He gave His only Son to die for all of us. amazing grace, that He would die for sinners such as us. He really understands ya. run on for Him..forever.

[to the one who lent me his PS2]
i still remember the first time we met. you were calling me to join your team for floorball but i was rather reluctant. as time passed i came to know about a different side of you, one that is so similar to mine. and sometimes i feel that you can relate to whatever i am feeling, and i really appreciate your effort in trying to reach out to me. but somehow probably i just sense so much more in your heart, so many more things that are bothering you. and brother i just wanna let you know that i will always be here to lend a listening ear or a helping hand. and He will always be here to carry us through. never forget that.

[to the one who made me feel welcome in church]
well i see you everyday in school..from the first impression i had of you, you have truely proven me wrong. i see you so on fire for God that sometimes i reflect back on my life and im wondering what im doing. i see Him radiating in your life, with your constant smile and cheerfulness, you never fail to cheer me up when im down. i see how God has used you in His church, the joy and encouragement you bring to other people. your openess and jovial character. and i really thank the Lord that i came to know you. really thank you for all the encouragement and relief you've given me. thank you for everything.

[to the one whom i always play table-tennis with]
thanks to you i can say my skills have improved considerably!! that aside, i really have to say again that im really proud of you. how God has changed and shaped you within this short time, even with a construction of a Christian blog. i really appreciate you efforts in reaching out to eddie, as well as being a good friend who is always there for me. i see you more God-like, and that is just a testimony of how God has changed you into a better person, a real example that He shaped us into something more beautiful. my prayer for you is that you will continually turn to Him in times of desperation and need, and not succumb to peer pressure. the devil is always there to try to pry us away from God, and i pray that ou will stand firm in times of testing and trial. live for Him and shine for Him. burn on brother.

[to the one whom i was always at loggerheads with]
like i said so many times i never imagined i would share this type of friendship with you before in my life. nonetheless im happy that God has put you back in my life. im really encouraged by your devotion in calling eddie down to church all the time, and your determination. i know sometimes you might feel wierd about it, like sending out wrong messages, but dont worry. i am sure God will use you mightily especially in the world. pray that you will never ever forget what your first experience in sawa was like, never let that fire die down. so many people out there need to hear the Good News. let us who can go, give them the gift that our loving Father has given us. go and touch the world.

[to the one whom i really pray for salvation]
it has been a miracle all the time with you around. i guess you dont know this, but we have all been witnessing a miracle, a miracle so close, a miracle which is you. from the once stubborn and obstinate guy i known, you've really grown into someone more than that person i once knew. im really happy to see you in church and one day i hope i can be serving alongside you. but i just want you to know that its your choice. to accept Him, or not, its all your choice. like i said before, no strings attached. but im really proud of you, especailly standing up for your friends and just being there for me. thank you so much..

guys, im really encouraged by ALL of you. maybe you dont realise it, but i dont think i have ever been happier in my life. just hanging out brings a smile to my face. its your presence and encouragement that spurs me on. seeing how God has worked in your life, how on fire you are for Him, i never ever want to see that disappear.

stay strong.
run on.
and finish strong...

together.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

im thinking of what to tag, but im lost for words. speechless.

reminiscing has always been a favourite hobby of mine, especially at night when all is quiet. reading this post way back, somewhere inside something is stirring. out of 6, i've totally lost contact with 1, and for the rest, its been so hard to keep in contact. maybe its all cause we've moved up to higher educations and suddenly caught up in a flurry of work, time has been so scarce to meet up regularly. sometimes, i execrate myself for being shy and not talking much when we meet these days. i miss those times that i once shared with you guys, those nights studying in church, those late dinners and suppers at the coffeeshop, dozens of floorball games, basketball matches with mervin and benn, table tennis in cana hall, having CG together, going out together just to catch a movie, lucille's surprise birthday meeting in the wee hours of the morning, that world cup stay over at yongling's house, jogging outside church with eddie, those hilarious moments with sarah, waffles with yongling, that day of aimless bus rides in singapore with eddie and lucille, praying together with all of you, trying to get eddie to come down to church, all those pastamania dinners we always have in causeway point..

suddenly all these seems like memories, faded and embossed in thoughts. there's really nothing i wouldnt give to relieve those times and depth of friendship, yet it seems too far back in the past. true, i've managed to somewhat integrate myself in YZ, but i also dont want to lose you people. though last year, trying and implacable, it was the year where i can truly say i really did enjoy myself, and for that time, i feel accepted and loved. now everything seems to have gone haywire, and somehow i think i could have prevented it in a way or so. pairs of us, each in an institution. and even then, everything feels so distant..
we're in the same school, yet SOOO distant from each other
im becoming more reticent.

i miss ALL of you. i really do.

2007-08-08T02:14:00.000+08:00

im officially mesmerized and enthralled but Kotaro Oshio's rendition of "Last Christmas"! it sounds really captivating and ethereal and i dont think i heard any nicer instrumental. the slap harmonics are gonna be remarkably hard for me i suppose..cosidering the only piece i ever "slapped" for was "More Than Words". the only thing is now to find the tabs...the internet doesnt seem to have it. and graham is only 35% done with it.

next on my list to learn(: [although im still not done with mariage d amour...]

2007-07-22T23:18:00.000+08:00

i wonder what it is like facing death..

23 korean missionaries kidnapped in taliban and facing death threats by the insurgents. the prospect of death the very reality everyone faces..and i wonder what it's like to stare at death, after which, comes an eternal peace. Father keep me strong and help me persevere for You

and reading lynn's blog, i never really fancied birthdays. just another reminder of His grace in all the previous years of my life. my 21st birthday? i'd choose to spend it with the children overseas..

2007-06-19T03:52:00.000+08:00

im going to have a mini science lesson soon(: this caught my eye while i was doing random blog-surfing:

"sermon today was on revelations 4
coincidentally .. it seemed as though God was speaking to me through the speaker's message .. it's like Jesus is knocking the door of my heart but i'm not opening it for Him .. however the door of heaven is always open for me .. but i can't enter it till i open the door of my heart .."

and im reminded so much of Max Lucado's analogy in his book "Come Thirsty". Jesus said in John 7:37-38 "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scipture has said, streams of living water will flow from within Him." Jesus also said that "Everyone who drinks this water (from the well) will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give hm will never thirst. Indeed the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." John 4:13-14.

POINT 1 - WATER IS ESSENTIAL
God designed our body such that we require water for us to function. apart from brains, bones and a few organs, our body is 80% fluid, and we're literally like walking water balloons. Our eyes need the fluid to cry; our mouths need moisture to swallow; our glands need sweat to keep our bodies cool; our cells need blood to carry them; our joints need fluid to lubricate them. Our bodies need water the same way a tire needs air, and God wires us with a "low-fluid indicator". Deprive yourself of water, and your body will tell you. Dry mouths. Thick tongue. Achy head. Weak knees.

Likewise, our soul requires spiritual water too, and it sends out flares when it is deprived. Dehydrated hearts send desperate messages. Snarling tempers. Waves of worrries. Growling mastodons of guilt and fear. God never intended us to contend with all these; He intended for us to be perfect, and to enjoy this precious life He breathed into us. Hopelessness. Depression. Resentment. Insecurity. Warnings and syptoms of a dryness deep within.

You think that such phases are unavoidable in life. You've seen thousands of people in the road of life, facing the same problems day in, day out, and you think to yourself that you're no different. So you let yourself live with it. Aren't such emotions inevitable? Absolutely. But unquenchable? No way. View the pains of your heart not as struggles to endure, but as an inner thirst to slake - proof that something within you is beginning to shrivel.

Treat your soul as you treat thirst, and take a gulp. Imbibe the moisture and flood your heart with a good swallow of water. The water of Life that can be found only in the living Christ.

What water can do for your body, Jesus can do for your heart too.

POINT 2 - WATER HAS NO DEFINITE SHAPE
Throw a person against a wall, his body thuds and drops. Splash water against a wall, and the liquid conforms and spreads. Its molecular makeup grants water great flexibility: one moment separating and seeping into a crack, another collecting and thundering over a waterfall. Water goes where we cannot.

So does Jesus. He goes to the inner depths of our hearts, and sees things in places we cant reach. The Spirit of Jesus threads through the throat of your soul, flushing fears, dislodging regrets. Long time hatred towards that boy who played a prank on you? Jesus washes it away. Emotional scars still wounding over the years? Jesus cleanses the wounds.

Areas we can never reach, never able to penetrate, Jesus enters, and washes us clean.

POINT 3 - WATER CANNOT ENTER A SEALED SYSTEM
Water doesnt heed instructions from you. As it enters your body, you dont tell 10 drops of water to go into the spleen or fifty drops of water to enter the cardiovascular detail. Water somehow knows where it is needed to go. We dont need to direct water flow..

Yet, we need to allow permission for water to enter. Its ironic how one can stand waist deep in a river yet still die from thirst. Until you scoop and swallow, the water does your system no good. And until you drink the water Christ offers, the same is true. Jesus doesn't just barge in and demands total dominion over your life. He understands human ethics, and waits outside the door for you. He says in Revelation 3:20 "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him and he with me."

Unless we choose to swallow Jesus, unless we choose to open the door of our hearts to allow Jesus to work within us, the Living Water does no good to you.

POINT 4 - WATER IS NOT EXCLUSIVE FOR A SELECT FEW
Who doesn't need a drink from time to time? If there was a drouhgt, and the government were to have a cache of water reserved for the Cabinet only, the rest of the populace would die. Yet Jesus gives his streams of living water to anyone who requests and accepts his gift.

Note the audience of His invitation. "If anyone thirsts, let Him come to me and drink." Jesus didnt restrict his largesse for just the pure at heart. He didnt limit it to the righteous or the upright. He offers it to anyone, be it who might come along. All ages welcome. Both genders invited. No race excluded. Scoundrels, rascals, hooligans, convicts..all are hospitably accomodated. One just has to follow the instructions on what, where and who to drink. In order for Jesus to do what water does, you must let him penetrate your heart. Deep, deep inside.

Let Christ be the water of your soul.

POINT 5 - NOT ALL WATER IS POTABLE
Ever drank anything black, thick and slimey? Unless you've gone for Fear Factor challenges, I dont see why anyone would risk drinking blended roaches when there is crystal clear potable water in any tap. We are selective of what we drink, and we know how to distinguish what is drinkable and what is not. We choose to drink good water. Not water with impurities like sand and dirt.

We should learn to do the same for our heart. Not everything you put to your lips will quench your thirst. Sin, for a season, quenches thirst. But so does salt water. Given time, the thirst will return, more demanding than ever. "Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more" (Ephesians 4:19) The arms of forbidden love may only satisfy for a time, but it'll come back more imposing than ever before.

Drink from the spring that flows from Jesus instead. Religion pacifies, but never satisfies. Foster that relationship with Christ to continually seek and drink from his bottomless well of living water. While regular sips satisfies thirsty throats, ceaseless communion satisfies thirsty souls.

Receive Christ's Work on the cross,
the Energy of His Spirit,
His Lordship over your life,
His unending, unfailing Love.

Let us drink together from Jesus' vast stores of living water. We dont have to contend and live with a dehydrated heart. Drink deeply and often.

And out of you will flow the rivers of living water.

2007-06-14T02:13:00.000+08:00

KYU SAKAMOTO - Sukiyaki

I'll hold my head up high
Looking up to the sky
So they won't see all the tears that are in my eyes
No one will know
I'm going through
My first lonely night without you

I know the night will hide
sadness I feel inside
no one will know of the smile and my lips won't tell them
I'm losing you and going through
My first lonely night without you

As I walk alone
the lonely winds seem to say
"From this darkness on, all your nights will be this way."
So I'll go on alone
pretending you're not gone
But I can hide all the moments of love we knew
Mem'ries of you as I go through
My first lonely night without you

haha wrong song to be playing at night. but who cares, its such a beautiful song, with such alluring lyrics..

*reflections of who we all once were, cast away but the tides of time and change. could we ever retrieve that innocence?

2007-06-12T01:06:00.000+08:00

was just about to go sleep when suddenly an influx of thought crosses my mind. and all of a sudden, i suddenly feel very important. i just realised how much i love all 3 of my younger siblings. even though sometimes they can be as pesky, annoying, irritating, spoilt brats etc, still i love them. i dont know why though, coz love's just has a very funny and complex nature.

everyday i'll get fed up by caleb's incessant shouts, cries, pestering and running around the house, that everyday im "forced" into shouting at him. and then he'll go off and cry somewhere in a corner at home, and the whole cycle starts again 5 minutes later. i still remember the first time i rushed down to the hospital after school to see him for the very first time, that petite form where God breathed life into. i vividly recall that instance where he had jaundice and had to stay in the hospital under an intensely bright bulb, and i could almost feel the family's pain in my heart. i can recollect the times where he refuses to eat, where he demands to have his way, the tempers and tantrums he throws. but most of all, if anything, i'll remember all those hugs and kisses he gives me, be it for sweets or just to get his way..still an act of love. i feel so ashamed at times for having to threaten him or to shout at him.

the most i shout at is at beatrice, sometimes for the most stupid and minute things, always up to my mood swings. reminiscing the times where i vied to decide where she sits on the dining table - beside me, those times when i'll hold her hand to reassure her, the time where i'll tickle her non-stop. all scarred with memories of shouting and bullying..surfacing thoughts of her innocence. she used to write letters to me, do drawings and cards and all sorts of art forms on paper and give it to me. birthday cards, simple post it reminders, simple placards, she did it all with love and sincerity, but somehow i'll always just brush it away. i still keep some of her handiworks in my box of memories.

and i guess it'll be natural for me to be much closer to amanda, given the much smaller age gap. everywhere around the house, i'll see pictures of us, the younger us. my favourite picture? the one where i was only 4 and when she was 2, during chinese new year. she was sitting on the highchair and both of us smiling widely. i still rememeber that quirky smile i used to have and detest when i was younger. that picture, a reflection of all the innocence and joy in the world. 13 years passes ever so quickly, and who we once were isnt a reflection of ourselves anymore. sometimes i try too hard to limit her, afraid that she might mix with bad company, do things that will ruin her life. over-protected. i dont ever want to see her get hurt, as long as its something that i can prevent. yet i always seem to be missing out on the point that we all learn from experience. we'll always have quarrels now and then, but somehow that sense of closeness just isnt as strong as it used to be. yet, she's still my sister and i love her.

everytime the 4 of us are together, i'll feel a very strong sense of responsibility, that the 3 younger ones are under my charge. its a very very comforting thought, imagining how we'll all grow up to be like, the jobs we'll have, the families we'll create and the people we'll turn out to be. and i feel so accountable for them now. even though it really sucks to be the eldest at times, yet whenever i think about the future, it just brings about this sense of satisfaction within me.

and in the process of it, i think, or more so, i know that im learning to be a father someday as well. stuff that my dad once did to me, i'll reciprocate to my siblings. dad always use to ruffle my and just kiss me on the head. he would always buy stuff for me when i was younger, carry me home when i was tired and do all sort of stuff that i wouldnt do myself. and most of all, he'll always tell me how he'll sacrifice his life in order to protect us all. thats something i will never forget, and all these small acts that i loved so much when i was young, i want my siblings to experience that too.

its a great feeling to cover blankets for them when they're asleep, push pillows under their heads and shove the bolsters back into their arms when they kick it away. i enjoy ruffling caleb's hair and kissing his head too. and even though it hurts my finances, i love buying small little stuff for my siblings, and always see how they struggle to get the flavours that they want. i love holding their hands when we go out, especially caleb's when walking down the stairs. i want to see them all grow up, from the whiny young brats to mature, sensible and independent adults. and maybe one day, we'll be laughing about our childhood over a drink.

and though i sometimes complain about being the eldest coz of the responsibility and burden, i really do thank God for making me the eldest child in the family, coz i derive so much satisfaction just by seeing how great and important a responsibility God has bestowed upon me. and i must admit im really honoured, though it rarely shows, to have such wonderful and adorable siblings.

even if i may shout or berate them so very often, deep down in their hearts, i do hope they know that i too would give my life for them and the extent of love i have for them. i know they know, and thats why i love them(:

2007-04-24T21:14:00.000+08:00

the most beautiful thing is life is to see a child smile and play.

where's that me i see in photos? where's that spirit of innocence in the people i watched grow alongside me? everyone grappling personal problems, unassisted and isolated.

life's been so monotonous of late and nothing seems to fit. mundane chores start piling up, and everything that you thought exciting starts to crumble right before your very eyes. moments of stupidity and foolishness, solace nowhere to be found. stress so prosaic in life, people getting more demanding. ironic how the people that you cherish starts to behave in ways you didnt think possible.

a corrupt generation..not like im any better. maybe for once is people understood that love isnt just about superficial appearances. nothing seems to be based upon the fundamentals of commitment anymore; everyone looking out for their own selfish needs. one gets to see the extremes in which people bring it to..

pressure from all directions, squeezing out each breath. nothing's left anymore but my faith. pride chipped apart, arrogance dented, independence shattered, condesendence corroded. lying broken and lonely on the workbench. thats who i am.

broken and spilled out.

facades of stability and exuberance covering everything of who i am. nothing's there except my faith, and trust. belief that everything is in accordance with a Master's plan. let me languish in Your abundant love and mercy, streams that flow with forgiveness and compassion. restore my spirit that i may sing once again when young. grant me rest and solitude in your dwelling, where there i may be still and soothe the raging storms and waves, in exaltation of Your wonderful Name. bestow upon me a heart of love that i may continue to love the peoples of this world, as much as i detest its ways. revive my faith, that even though the controversies of life continue to bombard me, i'll look towards You for healing and refuge. for Lord my life is in Your hands; whatever was to my profit, i consider loss for Your sake.

confer on me a spirit of teachability and adoration, that i may once again stand to proclaim Your miracles. i pray not for all this to stop, but just for me to weather through, that You shape me and mould me into the missionary im meant to be. Lord i love You, and that will never ever change. indeed i've long found the love of my life. and thats You.

broken and spilled out..unashamed for Your power's made perfect in my shortcomings.

2007-03-06T09:01:00.000+08:00

is there anything wrong with having a quiet demeanor?

as it is, im officially disappointed in myself. for everything perhaps? maybe at the start of it all i should have just listened to my parents.

its ironic how people tell me to listen to God and follow Him. really ironic. if obeying God means doing what i need to do, then i pray too that you would understand just as much. yet through it all, im reminded by my dad that "it doesnt matter what happens now, because at the end of the road, Jesus is the only one that matters"

so Father, pray that through times like these, and many more to come in future, You be my redeeming grace and refuge, a shelter where i find my place in Your holiness and majesty. admist all, help me to be thankful for whatever You have given me, for this life You given me for a purpose, and that everyday i live is a testimony to Your grace and miracles.

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

2007-02-28T16:37:00.000+08:00

its getting hard to distinguish reality from dreams.

well, at least not when you dream of a thousand and one things at night and do almost nothing during daytime. and of course late night "movies" like CSI V and Las Vegas till 3.15am doesnt help at all. that type of feeling when you wake up and dont even know what has really happened last night. that type of deja vu feeling, like it has happened before; that vaguely familiar experience, flashes of the future.

dreaming of walking to school.
dreaming of being in spain.
dreaming of sitting on the beach shore.
dreaming of serenading on a boat to nowhere.
dreaming of reaching out to people.
dreaming of playing with my grandchildren.

a profusion of phantasmal illusions..all of which carries no meaning at all. clouded by hallucinations, fabricated dreams and evidence. clear my vision O Lord, help me focus on whats good, perfect and pleasing - Your will for me. now i understand why that hymn has been popping into my mind so very often..

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me save that Thou art.
Thou my best thought by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping Thy presence my light.

dreaming of golden streets and stairways..
where at the end of it all..
i find You, my Lord and Saviour.

2007-02-27T14:15:00.000+08:00

HILLSONG UNITED - From the Inside Out

A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out

2007-02-23T20:57:00.000+08:00

*hihglighting makes a world of difference(=

When a girl bumps into your arm while walking,
she wants you to hold her hand.

When a girl wants a hug,
she will just stand there.

When you break a girls heart,
she still feels it when you run into each other 3 years later.

When a girl is quiet,
millions of things are running through her mind.

When a girl is not arguing,
she is thinking deeply.

When a girl looks at you with eyes full of questions,
she is wondering how long you will be around.

When a girl answers, "I'm fine", after a few seconds,
she is not at all fine.

When a girl stares at you,
she is wondering why you are so wonderful.

When a girl lays her head on your chest,
she is wishing for you to be hers forever.

When a girl says that she can't live without you,
she has made up her mind that you are her future.

When a girl says, "I miss you",
no one in this world can miss you more than that.

When a girl is mean to you after a breakup,
she wants you back, but she's scared she'll get hurt and knows you're gone forever.

When a guy wraps his arms around you,
he's actually measuring how wide your shoulders are.
or he wants you to feel secure with him.
When a guy wants a hug,
(do guys even aks for hugs?!)
or he longs to hide in your embrace.
When you break a guy's heart,
he couldnt care less and brushes it off easily.
or he still dreams about you, but sacrifices his own happiness for yours.
When a guy is quiet,
he's envisaging of the many possibilities of the future together.
or he's thinking about a thousand and one things, especially about you.
When a guy is not arguing,
he's either watching soccer or playing video games.
or he's thinking of those past arguments and wishing he could take it all back.
When a guy looks at you with eyes full of questions,
he's demanding to know who you've been with last night.
or he knows there's never a need to question your faithfulness.
When a guy answers, "I'm fine", after a few seconds,
he's really alright because he knows you need his assurance.
or he's deceiving you because he doesnt want to see you get sad.
When a guy stares at you,
(this im not answering either..)
or he's marveling at your beauty and hoping for an eternity to be spent together.
When a guy leans his head on your shoulder,
he's deifinitely a psychopath!
or he knows that there's always a listening ear for him to cry to.
When a guy says that he can't live without you,
he's most PROBABLY lying to you.
or he really means it.
When a guy says, "I miss you",
no one in this world can miss you more than that.
or he cant wait to see you again even though it's only been 2 minutes.
When a guy is mean to you after a breakup
he's wishing you good ridance and never wants to see you for the rest of his life.
or he's wishing that things never happened the way they did and he could turn back time..
dedicated to grace, as promised(=

2007-02-14T02:43:00.000+08:00

"Sin is no longer the greastest enemy of mankind; sadness is. To feel good about oneself is the number one priority. The Bible is reduced to a devotional guide to help people get in touch with their feelings. Thus Christianity is widely ignored in our culture despite their excellent evidence for its superiority among other alternatives. Our culture is not interested in serious arguments and rational evidence for matters of religion"
Christ Among Other gods - Erwin W Lutzer

maybe if we all try to lighten up and smile, we'll be left with nothing else except the world turning to Christ for His joy to shine through them..but the world still retains its state. everyone all caught up in the hustle of life, a reality no one dares escape. entwined in a nomenclature of contrite and sorrow. what will happen when a generation accepts the idea that we should just feel, not think? people opt for opinions that fall short of conviction.

yet in this sin-ridden world, while we were still sinners Christ died for us..and i will be eternally grateful for this sacrifice. this valentine's day, maybe its gonna be something special. not with friends, not with family, but with my Lord and Saviour, cherishing every moment of breath that i draw, for who knows love like You do; the embodiment of love itself is You.

the loftiest idea in literature, the highest personality in philosophy, the supreme problem in high criticism, the fundamental doctrine of proved theology, the carnal necessity of spiritual religion..maybe valentines day would hold a new meaning after all. even for you, where ever you may be.

Thank You Father Lord, for this day that even though its not Christmas, still You've given this opportunity not just to renew marriage vows, love declarations and the like, but for us as Christians to remember who you are to us again. Thank You for Your steadfast love towards us, Your mercies that extend to the heavens, and Your faithfulness to Your promises to us. Lord i love You, today and forever, and i know one day i'll recieve my crown from You, where i'll walk the streets of gold, singing praises of Your Holy Name. And God, for her, whoever she might be, i pray that You keep her safe under Your wings till You bring us together in a union sanctified by Your love. Keep her and guard her till that day comes, when You join two as one. Thank You Father for Your undying love towards us, and for the people whom You have surrounded me with. Amen.

2007-02-12T02:21:00.000+08:00

not really in the mood to blog. really lethargic and brain dead (in a sense). oh wells since people been asking what i have been doing during my mission trip, maybe i shall just copy and paste what i shared in church today.

"Good morning church

I promise to try to make this sharing as short as possible, but hopefully with God’s grace it will leave a strong impression on you. Since I been back in Singapore, I always get people asking me how my trip went, but I only could tell them things like “good” or “fantastic”, but today I hope to share with you what exactly I did there.

Even before I applied for this mission trip through OM, I had all along wanted to go back to Thailand, mainly because of my previous trips there. But long story short, I didn’t manage to find and apply for any mission trips to Thailand. God only left this door open for me to Philippines. I didn’t really want to go there, but that was the only option given to me. I went alone so as to fully depend on God rather than on human strength. In a foreign country where everyone are strangers and in time of spiritual warfare, it only means that I have nowhere to turn except to God. In a way, it was to help me build up my faith in Him.

It was really good that God brought me to another country to serve because it was a total different experience. It was like an attachment, so I really got to reach out to people, whereas my other 2 trips were more of an exposure. I worked with street kids, children living in the slums, islands and mountains. Sometimes it was carrying out Sunday school lessons; sometimes it was to evangelize to the kids. I had the chance to organize Christmas parties in December, attend conferences and lead university fellowships. I even spoke with Brother Yun, the author of the Heavenly Man. I also met many people from different nationalities, Australian, South African, Japanese, Swiss, German, Korean and of course Filipinos.

Yet it was also a struggle to go too because it was 2 days after my O Levels. Everyone would be enjoying themselves, having parties and gatherings, and most of all, my first ever prom night! It wasn’t easy to surrender all these temptations to God, but with His grace, I managed to put all these behind me and just go. I still vividly recall that while my schoolmates were dancing during prom night, I was in a prayer meeting.

Initially I was only supposed to be in Cebu for 2 weeks, but after a week there, I felt God’s prompting for me to extend my stay there. I had further affirmation by 2 pastors and the director of the OM staff there. Partly also because I had grown rather attached to the kids there, that I felt there was more I could do in Cebu rather than waste my holidays in Singapore, so I decided to go ahead with the extension, and I am indeed grateful to God for giving me that opportunity. In that extra 2 weeks, I experienced much more than I expected. God carried me through so many things while I was there, namely weathering a so-called “typhoon” and the chance to compare the experience between going alone and with a group. In Cebu I frequently heard reports of the impeding typhoon and terrorists attacks, and it’s my first time to actually be caught up in all this. It’s a different experience reading it on the papers and living it out – the fear of dying anytime along the streets due to a bomb blast, or being swept away by a typhoon. All these were so real and it really made me re-look into my life, and REALLY thinking if I could be held accountable of my life to Christ. A group of 22 Christians from Foochow Methodist Church came during my third week, and I could really compare being alone and within a group, the different focuses and expectations. And I have to say going alone is still the best, because its then that you can really focus on God instead of fellowshipping, albeit lacking the interaction and socialization.

All this time alone, I have been constantly encouraged by my life verse, Acts 20:22-24, which speaks of completing this path God has laid in front of me. “And now, compelled by the Holy Spirit, I am going to Jerusalem not knowing what will happen to me there. I only know that in every city, the Holy Spirit warns me that prison and hardships are facing me. However, I consider my life worth nothing to me if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given to me, the task of testifying to the gospel of God’s grace.”

One thing that has kept this desire to tell these people about Christ is when I see the joy within them. It is a horrible reality to know that these people do not even know where they will be going to after death without Christ. When I see the happiness, contentment and joy within them, it really pains my heart. These children, they radiate so much joy, the type of happiness, which is so rare in Singapore. I kept thinking where the source of their joy came from, despite having so little material possessions, yet they are always smiling. What more for them to know the joy that can be found in Christ alone?

I really don’t know if you feel that burden for them, the peoples of this world, the people who haven’t even heard of Jesus. Are you really willing to let all these people go down to hell, while we just sit back and watch the whole show? Are we going to let the devil win this battle by releasing the many souls that God commissioned us to rescue? Everyone on this earth drawing breath, are they not the very people that God created, the very people that He wants to enjoy eternity with, so much so that He sent his only Son to the cross for our salvation? We are so privileged to have Christ within us, but what about the world? If Christians do not even share the Gospel, then who will? Who will share Christ with the world if not the Church?

This is my challenge to you. Maybe you have never gone on a mission trip before, but in other ways you still can contribute to these people around the world. World Vision offers child sponsorship. How about sponsoring people from our church who wished to be exposed to missions? What about evangelizing to your friends in Singapore? If you have time even, why not consider the upcoming Qiang trip in March. It’s really my desire one day to see different people in the church in different areas of the world, rising up to God’s commission.

If you didn’t really catch what I said before, I would at least like you to take something home today, which will be what I am going to end off with. God had an only Son and He made Him a missionary, what more for us? What more for us, as parents to emulate God and send your children, and children to emulate Christ and go forth? Thank You(:"

*caught up in a fluster of confusion and frustration..

2007-02-11T01:06:00.000+08:00

17 SIGNS OF REALLY LIKING SOMEONE!!!!!

SEVENTEEN:
U LOOK AT THEIR PROFILE/PICTURE CONSTANTLY

SIXTEEN:
WHEN YOU'RE ON THE PHONE WITH THEM LATE AT NIGHT AND THEY HANG UP, YOU STILL MISS THEM EVEN WHEN IT WAS JUST TWO MINUTES AGO

FIFTEEN:
YOU READ THEIR TEXTS or MMS OVER AND OVER AGAIN

FOURTEEN:
YOU WALK REALLY SLOWLY WHEN YOU'RE WITH THEM

THIRTEEN:
YOU FEEL SHY WHENEVER HE/SHE IS AROUND

ELEVEN:
WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT THEM, YOUR HEART BEATS FASTER AND SLOWER AT THE SAME TIME

TEN:
YOU SMILE WHEN YOU HEAR THEIR VOICE

NINE:
WHEN YOU LOOK AT THEM, YOU CAN'T SEE THE OTHER PEOPLE AROUND YOU; All YOU SEE IS HIM//HER

EIGHT:
YOU START LISTENING TO SONGS THAT REMIND YOU OF THEM

SEVEN:
THEY'RE ALL YOU THINK ABOUT

SIX:
YOU LOVE THERE HUGES & KISSES MORE THAN ANYTHING

FIVE:
YOU REALlIZE THAT YOU'RE ALWAYS SMILING TO YOURSELF WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT THEM

FOUR:
YOU WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR THEM, OR ANYTHING JUST TO SEE THEM

THREE:
WHILE READING THIS, THERE WAS ONE PERSON ON YOUR MIND THE WHOLE TIME...

TWO:
YOU WERE SO BUSY THINKING ABOUT THAT PERSON, YOU DIDNT NOTICE NUMBER TWELVE

ONE:
YOU JUST SCROLLED UP TO CHECK AND NOW SILENTLY LAUGHING AT YOURSELF

NOW MAKE A WISH. YOU KNOW YOU WANT
TO.......

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POST THIS AS: "17 SIGNS OF REALLY LIKING SOMEONE"
*AND SOMETHING GOOD WILL HAPPEN TO YOU TONIGHT

*silently laughing at this email..

2007-01-28T23:44:00.000+08:00

its really becoming a cliche this generation to hear this phrase: "NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME!!!"

like i said before, maybe if we look closely at the lives at others, we are not so different after all. problems of different magnitudes, problems of different sources, problems with different matters. be it problems of any sort, they are still rather generic arent they?

relationship problems?
friendship problems?
spiritual problems?
educational problems?
stress-related problems?
familial problems?

been there? great for you! i have just one thing to say..

SO HAVE MANY OTHERS BEFORE YOU!

so many a times we always think we're alone in this struggle. always searching for a way out. no one has answers. no one can help. so where do we turn to? self-abuse. suicide. death. really people, if you can start seeing things in a different light, that so many others out there, be it children, youths, adults, they are face the same problems too. maybe to different extents, but essentially still the same problems. recovering from a heart-ache? have you not friends who have endured having their hearts ripped to shreds too? feeling like your parents dont understand you or your intentions? are there not others who come from divorced families? just had a fallen out with your friend? which friendship bond doesnt require to go through the test of time? ARE YOU REALLY ALONE IN ALL THESE?

its amazing (and saddening) to see people complain everywhere they go. they whine and groan, complaining how life is so unfair to them, cursing the plights they are in and wishing they had never been born? im no innocent man myself too. i used to blog about how no one can ever understand me. look back at all my entries. how i am so confounded that people treat matters of the heart so lightly. how i constantly whine of this undying and unrequited love. how no one can ever understand what loneliness means.

until you come to a stage where you can face your problems head on, you might as well spend the rest of your life crying over split milk, never able to recover from what has happened before.

do you not see that we only grow through this trials and struggles thrown along your way? do you not see that all these problems can and will shape you into a better person? i cant imagine being born with a silver spoon in my mouth, having someone to always do everything for me, being so sheltered and protected. saying this really is so ironic.

as youths we always clamour for freedom. the freedom to go out as and when we please, to do what we want with no parental constrictions. we want absolute freedom to be thrown in our way. yet when we get it, we complain of the world being too dirty and unfair, of how hard it is to survive in the real world. our problems never ever ends, instead we only get tossed into a never-ending cycle of grief and hurt. there is no hard and fast rule to solve all your problems. they all come by experience, and only through experience do you learn how to go through each phase of life.

looking back at last year, i really thank God for everything that has happened. from things that i thought could have no good end, He displays His redeeming grace to makie new everything, conclude it in much better ways than we first dreamt of. Indeed God has been so faithful to His promises for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, but to give me a hope and a future. and in Him, i have found His compassion and love.

and maybe when we realise that we are not alone, can we open ourselves to others and share. mind you, i say all these but yet i have still learnt to understand that there are people like me. i always think that no one could fully comprehend the meaning of loneliness, but yet as i screen through blogs, i sometimes empathise with them and only wish they could understand that God understands..born to earth as a man, not in a high-class residence but in a lowly manger. worked as a carpenter and despised by others.he wasnt blessed with fantastically good looks i believe, neither did he have an eloquent tongue or a sophisticated hand. called a fool by his family and doubted by his disciples. mocked in His ministry, even crucified by the very people He had come to save. think you're alone, think again.

jesus has walked that path before..

on loneliness, something im so well versed with, many fail to realise its actually a gift. i enjoy being alone, but sometimes in groups it can really be extremely hurting to feel so out of place, with no one to share with or confide in. thats me. yet i always remind myself to stop and be prayerful in actions and deeds. its only when we are alone that we can fully devote spending time with the Lord. its only when we are alone can we understand how He felt in His ministry. its only when we are alone can we draw closer to Him. these i learnt from my time being alone, spared from all the hustle and bustle of friendship sometimes, to STOP, and LOOK up to Him, before i GO. though being lonely isnt exactly fun, that i admit, btu it really helps at times. well its an in-built thing for me..thats why im special(: not that im dissuading friendship or anything, its really good to have a few people you can really trust for support in everything (whom i am still searching for), but being lonely can have its perks.

maybe my life is one to be spent alone after all..

and just before you start accusing me of being a pro-anti-socialst (something i would like to consider myslef though), or throw me something like "you really dont understand me", can we as youths at least come to a consensus that we stop using such negative connotations like a "human dart board", "i cannot take it anymore", "feel like killing myself",...actually i can fill this whole post with all those phrases, but well i suppose you get my drift. i really hate (yes the word is hate, not dislike or disapprove) people who always blog about killing themselves and stuff like that. i mean if you can even be reading this, you are so much more fortunate than million others. not that my post will definitely help you, but at least you have a computer, so you cant be that worse off right?

i wouldnt want to see half the population gone even before we step up in the world.

2007-01-07T18:12:00.000+08:00

was reading a book today before core meeting (which lasted for a continuous 4 hours!!) about relationships. dont ask why that topic again, because one, that is my weakest area, and i gotta learn how to deal with relationships and emotions; and two, i gotta start preparing for courtship. never too early to be prepared, and it can really help a great deal in your future courtship.

those 10 minutes of silent reading, really taught me a valuable life lesson, not one that i would be forgetting anytime soon. and whatever i may say, to anyone who may be reading this, i hope that it will impact you as much as it did me, especially for those who struggles with relationships and the like.

and its really effective that even reading many other books, this message gripped me so strongly to let go of a 4 year persistance(:

letting God write your love story isnt exactly easy. in fact, i would say its one of the hardest thing to do. i can willingly give every area of my life to Him, letting Him take control of areas i need help in. everything except my love life. we try by all ways to compromise, yet no matter how good we can perceive a relationship to be, it will always fall short of God's standards. we were never meant to be in charge of our own love story.

the question is that are you willing to let God write your love story? think about it. its not as simple as just something you can so easily give up. honestly said, you may claim to let God have control but just look carefully, and im sure you will find many situations whereby you compromised your standards. its not about letting God be JUST ANOTHER crew on your love boat. its not about the assurance of His presence that you can do WHATEVER you want. its not about giving Him the parts of the ship ship, but you are still comandeering the vessel.

its about giving Him the entire ship; deck, steer and even the Captains Quarters. no questions asked.

now think about that. can you really do that? can you live with it that you have absolutely no control over what goes on in your love life? i know i cant, yet i know His perfect and pleasing will for me, plans not to harm me but for me to prosper. to that extent, im sure you know what i mean, but it is still so hard to let go of it.

i personally believe that God has already set someone aside for me, strictly for me alone. and like many people, i have rather high standards. save the obvious "she must be a christian" and "she must support me in the area os missions", i think i would like my future spouse to be pure, in a sense that i know that she has reserved herself for me, and i leave you to figure out what that means.

if God's plan and purpose for me is really marriage, then she is probably already out there actually doing something. sometimes i cant help wondering if i have already met her. have YOU thought about that already? that the person you will one day marry is actually wandering somewhere?! and if you have thought of that, wouldnt you be imagining what they are doing at the current moment?

i know i do. and the very last thing i would want to see her be doing is going out with another guy! i could almost picture her making out with somebody else other than me! and it can be kinda freaky to an extent.

on a personal level, if you desire purity in your spouse, how much more would you think he/she would desire purity in you? i had always wanted my future wife to "do me the favour of staying pure, give me a little respect, and prove to me that i am the love of her life. i was hungering for the 'beautiful side of love', but i never realised that i would find it when i started to focus on the way i lived and loved, not just on the way she lived and loved. and that i would find it, when i finally focused on honuring her before we met even if she never considered honouring me in return."

everytime you fall for someone, you give part of your heart away to that person.

how many times are you going to give your heart away before you get married?
how much of your heart will there be left for your future spouse?
is there even going to be anything left at all?
will you end up with a misconception about the oppsite sex after all the breakups?
can you come clean about your past with your spouse?
would you have regretted giving pieces of your heart away?
will love even hold any meaning?

think about those 7 questions. if that is what you are going through in your life, maybe you should reconsider whatever you are doing. just as you may desire purity in him/her, i am certain he/she will desire the same extent of purity within you. imagine if your could have a glimpse of your spouse now, and caught them making out at some club, hw would you feel? i know how i would: just like any normal human would, crying because her affection was being given to someone else.

what if the Messiah who went through all the torture, died hanging naked on the cross and bore all the humiliation, saw you in whatever state you are in. what if He found out that He died for you so you could just enjoy life as it is.

will He have wet eyes as He watches you live your life, the life that He died to set you free from?

i have a covenant with God since i was young. i always thought kisses were icky and gross, but as i grew older, i started viewing a kiss as something passionate, and act that somewhat lets you express your love and passion. to admit, i came so close to giving my first kiss away once. so close..and as i look back i really thank God that i didnt. i want my first kiss to be special, i want my first to be given to my wife at the altar. and its stricty a covenant between me, my wife and God. the first ever kiss i will give away (to another girl besides my mom) will be at the altar.

i want it to be something special for her..

say its far-fetched. say its crazy. say whatever you want, but that doesnt leave any room for me to compromise my purity. and i hope that you will take up the same promise to..not for me, not for anyone, but solely for the person whom you are going to spend the rest of your life with.

to the guys, i can say give her your heart, mind and body now! its easy to run around from one shallow relationship to the next, meeting your selfish desires. but it takes as real man, a real lover, to keep one woman satisfied for life. and when you do that,, God will seal your marriage with abounding grace and agape love, a faithful union to the end of times, sanctified with His glory and consent.

to many of my friends who i know are going through storms in this area of life, i want to assure you that dont worry, you are not alone. i guess its natural for teens to go through that phase. whatever you are doing now, search through them and ask if its edifying. i only hope that our God of grace will bring you out. always know that you can cast your cares upon Him.

2007-01-06T03:49:00.000+08:00

i have to make sure i never stay up this late alone at night. thats when all the thoughts and randomness comes spewing out.

just got off a near 2 hour conversation on msn. a few things come to mind..not surprising at all. its would be bliss if i could stop thinking for a minute. dont mind me if i spout rubbish, its really late/early and i can be quite disorientated..

why do people like to think of suicidal thoughts? christians especially, should never ever think of such things. when you accepted Jesus in your heart, you invited Him to stay in you, and killing yourself would be the equivalent of killing Him!! why find more reasons to atone for whatever wrong-doings you have commited? do you really think that the blood of Christ is not redeeming enough to cleanse you of your sins? do you think that self-abuse can result in sanctification?

why do others often mis-interpret your intentions? its been almost 3 weeks now, and nothing seems to have been resolved still. left wondering whatever went on, and whether it can be resolved now. many always come with good intentions, only to leave discouraged and shattered. maybe it was better if i kept my mouth shut in the first place..actually, no i dont really think its my fault. is it wrong to stand up for your actions? if you know me well enough, i will strongly stand up and retaliate for what i believe in. maybe its just that you dont know me that well after all.

in a world where purity is being degraded so rapidly, will there come a time where we live for the moment, doing as and what we please?

im no superman, just another human being, with emotions and feelings. just another human raised up for His glory. where is the wrong in that?

if only one knew how exhausting it can be to be battling on two fronts: one; the vices of this sinful world, two; the inescapable reality of the persecutions everywhere.

2006-12-30T01:53:00.000+08:00

was just thinking about something at my aunt's bbq today at her place. saw this group of people who were of the same age, and it really set me wondering..

what if i could be somebody different than who i am today?

if i could think less, would it help me to open up to people? i would have lesser worries and cares in the world.
if i could be cool, would people like me more? i would have more friends to talk to, be invited for all the fancy dress parties etc..
if i could be like everyone else, would i fit in?

its hard not being able to fit in this society, while everyone is hooked onto something the world desires. sex, parties, staying out late, keeping with trends, clubbing..and the list goes on. what everyone (well most at least) wants, i detest (to a certain extent). what everyone detests, i desire. pretty ironic aint it?

while people are enjoying their holidays, partying and staying out late, going for prom and keeping in contact, and having all the fun in the world, where am i? off in a foreign land to do mission work. looking back, i realised how much i missed in prom, all the fancy dresses and the final fellowship as a level together. i missed that chance to really enjoy myself with all of them for one last time before we part ways. and it really hurts deep inside to know how much you have missed; prom, class outings, bbq at mr loh's house etc..but..

i wouldnt have traded that one month for anything=)

but always, i have this desire to be like others. be cool for once, and get all the attention. i guess everyone has something they would like to emulate. its sometimes hard to accept that God made me differently, that i often feel lonely and alone. its hard not being able to mix around be be as sociable as people are, always shy and not daring to speak up. its hard not being able to let go of things i hold on to, while others are finding it so easy (my point proven in the case of multiple lovers). its hard having to always feel out of place..

His purpose is still void of any meaning to me, but someday i hope i can break out of this chain. i know He wired me this way for a purpose, but still..its not easy to see where all this can lead to. not unless you are going to be locked up in a castle tower and spend the rest of your life alone.

however, i always see the silver lining in this. in times of need, times of desperation, times of despondance , i can only seek solace in one place. His unwavering mercy and sustaining grace..

2006-12-25T02:08:00.000+08:00

Father God help me not to be so full of complaints about my spiritual family, but bring each and everyone of them in Your abounding love and grace. help them to see Your wonders and works in the world, that You may raise each of them to service for Your Glory. Help me to love each and everyone of them, and not always be so critical. Help me to love them like you love them.

And thank you for Your precious gift 2000 years back, for Your Son Jesus Christ You sent into this sin-ridden world, to take the punishment for our wrongs and to give us this wonderful chance to be with You for all eternity.

Happy birthday Jesus!

2006-12-24T00:58:00.000+08:00

its so late, and for the first time in a long long time, im actually blogging? hmmm, still gotta wake up at 7am tml for church..

been wanting to blog about my trip and all, but i guess fatigue has really been the main cause of not blogging, not to mention laziness. plus im kinda caught up in the flurry of gift wrapping, and it takes 15 mins for me to wrap one present. dont ask why, guess its just the way perfectionists do things; dont kinda trust anyone else to do it for me too:) but hey, thats not really the true spirit of christmas right?

i know one thing i learnt in this trip was about giving, and for the first time in my life, i can honestly say that i have been giving with a cheerful heart. i used to do it so grudgingly, even for offerings in church. i can still hear myself say "$5 can get you a fast-food meal, so why give it to God?". and its so true, the reason why i couldnt give before was because of my materialism. i always wanted this and that, everything under the sun. i wanted an iPod (though i have one already, but its so bulky), i wanted a PSP, i wanted to repair my PS2, i wanted to get the original version of Final Fantasy 12 and the guidebook..i wanted..i wanted. everything was about me and what i wanted..

but as i come out of the trip, im beginning to REALLY see that these are things which i can survive without. almost 2 weeks without surfing in a internet-deprived society kinda made me realise i could actually survive without the computer, and that there was a much better way for me to spend my time! not to mention the redundancies of the iPod and gameboy that i brought there..

so tomorrow is going be the first test in really giving with a joyful heart, but i believe i can do it. in fact these few days i have been giving and giving, and its really a joy to see people's face light up when you give them a hope to continue on living. recently just adopted a child from world vision - a 5 year old Filipino boy. every month it is a commitment to give $45 to support the child. this is something new for me indeed, but i know that God will surely bless that child and his family with the money recieved! and while we in Singapore are so blessed with so much, i think that $45 a month isnt too much to ask for. its $1.50 a day to save for the whole month, but if you dont think you can come up with the full sum, why not share it with someone else, like your siblings?

in a way, i want to get my sister involved in missions too, so i also want her to contribute $10 to the overall sum. like i said it may nor be much, but hey at least it is a stepping stone. make your giving according to your allowance lest God makes your allowance according to your giving. thats the true spirit of Christmas, in which God gave His only Son to die on the Cross for the redemption of our sins and eternal salvation. what more could we give back for the children that God loves so deeply? anywayz, nuff' said coz im really tired. plus waking up early tml isnt exactly helpful. and the constant weight on your mind of what is going to happen in church for the first time after 6 weeks..

whatever it is God, i commit all these into Your hands for Your glory. i reufse to be discouraged, but instead to continue striving on for the Lord!

2006-11-19T09:13:00.000+08:00

well thats it, im in the airport terminal already..using the free internet access here.im quite scared of transit and all, but I know that im under God's special care..

please continue to uphold me in prayer. shall see you guys back in 2 weeks!!

kk really gotta run. time's running short. cya!

2006-11-18T04:15:00.000+08:00

im left with two days and i havent even packed!! maybe i should just follow what jian horng has said - to go in faith and not bring anything. actually the more i think about what to bring, the lesser things come in my mind.

its getting late, or early, anywayz i dont think im in the right frame of mind. randomness

the more i think, the more i dont understand why people do not see mission as a priority in thier lives. who am i to judge anywayz, im just a young kid without a career or certificate, not to mention family and life..but this i know, when Jesus left His disciples nearly 2000 years ago, He gave them but one task; namely, world evangelisation. Imagine Him saying to them something like this: "I am going to leave you and i will be gone for a long time. While I am absent, I want you to do just one thing. Give the Gospel of Mine to the entire world. See that every nation, tongue, and tribe hears it."

those were His instructions. that was the one thing He told them to do, and they understood Him perfectly. But what has the Church done during the years He has been absent. Have we carried out His orders? Have we obeyed Him?

Here I am, send ME.

maybe its really because i dont have a career, nor a family to think of, so im more free to do mission work. but since i have started out young, honestly, i dont intend to stop. people go for missions with many different reasons, some for an eye-opener experience, some to seek God, some to help the needy, and even some for the sake of a shopping holiday under the pretext of missions!

me? i vividly remember my days in kindergarten. how hyped up i was about singing praise songs to God. how i pestered my parents to bring me to church. and how i enjoyed singspiration and Sunday school. initially i wanted to go to church for fun, to make more friends and have a new experience. never did i expect God to work in such an impactful way. the bottom line is THE JOY i found in Christ. and this is my mission, this is what God has placed in my heart. to bring the true joy of Christ to those who are still lost to darkness. in thailand, you see children, so much less fortunate than us, yet radiating a joy that we all lack.

no roof over their heads? no problem
not enough food? no problem
no God? no problem

and thats my concern, with that last statement. even after lacking so much, they are still happy individuals, huddling in the warmth of familial bonds. and we, even though having so much, we complain of inferiority, that we dont have enough and stuff like that. the children there are already so happy with what they have, that even another pillow is considered a luxury to them. and it really pains my heart, to see such gleeful faces when you play with them, that they have absolutely no idea where they are headed to after death. how much more can they be happier with the true joy of Christ in them? thats my mission, to share with them what Christ has done for us, death on a cross for the redemption of sin, and see their faces when they accept God's gift of eternal life.

maybe one day the flame will die down? i know it has many times already, but everytime, God gives me more oil to keep the flame burning. for those whose fire has died down, this is God's call to you "Come, all who are weary and i will give you rest" Claim His promises and blessings, and you will find peace in Him.

i have got my life more or less set out already. next year is gonna be my only free year in teenage life, guess not many have thought of that. and i want to do something for God, namely missions. after wednesday's missionary thanksgiving dinner on doulos, i really set out all my options, and given deep thought on this matter. what am i really going to do in life? am i really willing to commit my whole life to God? am i ready to die for my faith? will i allow God to take over my life completely, even if it means sacrificing a comfortable lifestyle?

i know many will say im too young to make such important decisions, but God has already laid out my path for me. dont ask me how i know; i just do. next year, i wanna go to serve 2 months on board the doulos. sailing around asia and reaching out to the lost. the minimum age requirement is 18, and im only going to be 17 next year, but i pray that God will open that door for me. if i can survive life on the sea, or even if i cant, i will serve 2 years onboard the doulos, maybe even more if God prompts me too. all i know that no way am i going into the corporate world. its too politically filthy and corrupt for me, and im not going to be entangled in that mess.

and i know the devil is going to attack me in every way possible. and i foresee a difficult life adapting to school and everything, the friends that i make etc. maybe i dont have many friends because i am looking for different things at this stage. i guess no one will ever really understand how deep God has impacted me in secondary 1..maybe im really called to spent life alone, as a faithful servant of God. i dont know Lord, all i know is that my life is in Your hands, and i trust that You have my very best interests at heart.

why can't man just appreciate nature in God's eyes. the beauty and sophistication of all created things? everything has to be made understood by man, how birds can fly, what the composition of sand is, why do objects fall to earth etc. everything that has been so beautifully created by God has been reduced to mere equations and formulas, that we fail to see the underlying beauty of His works. the sky, so alluring in it shade of azure blue, has been reduced to nothing but water vapour. reproduction, so intriguing how God created the human body, has become a taboo topic among mankind. life, created to be enjoyed , has become a source of hate and despair. God, creating us to praise Him, has become the oulet for us to place all blame of sufferings and tribulations on Him. what is happening to the world? do man really believe their ancestors were monkeys?! do they really believe that the earth and everything on it was created out of nothing?! the more one thinks of it, the more it becomes ridiculous..

Heavenly Father, this is a heart-felt prayer for all of mankind. Lord, you see our hearts, and you know how dirty they are. even our good deeds are like filthy rags to you Lord, and Father we know that we can never amount to anything. But Lord, I pray that you open up Man's eyes to what true love really is, that there is no greater love that one lays down his life for his friends. And you have displayed that act of true love, when you sent Your only one and begotten Son, to die on the cross for the redemption of our sins. He that was holy, pure and innocent, took the blame and suffered under the hands of the people that He came to die for Lord. Father, I thank you for that act of selfless love, and Lord I pray that you will open up the eyes of ALL the people in this world to what You are doing. Help them to understand Your heart and intentions, help us to grow to be more like You each day Lord, and help us to love our enemies as ourselves. God, I know you want our hearts to draw near to You, and I pray for a conviction You set in these people's heart, that You reveal Yourself to them and let them know that You alone are God, and that they will come to receive You open hearts; one day the whole earth will be singing prasies of Your second coming. I know that nothing is impossible to You, and through us, You send a wide-spread revival among the people.

In Your Son's Most Holy Name I pray,
Amen

[rachel] i thank God for you chancing across my blog, and i hope that God has spoken to you. its amazing how God works, that even though we do not really know each other on personal levels, we could have talked like just now, just freely sharing about our lives. and i pray for you that you will continue to be a beacon of light to your friends, and that God will use you mightily in the furthurance of His Kingdom. I really thank God for you sister=)

2006-10-30T21:16:00.000+08:00

just recieved an email from my mom: typhoon strikes philippines.

haha i know the heading doesnt exactly sound appealing, but i just hope it will not affect my trip to cebu. its really an interesting mix of feelings im experiencing right now, with an element of uncertainty, not knowing what will happen to me there.

but i think now what i can do is pray for the people there. honestly its not so much of my safety there, but i think for opportunities to reach out and let them discover the only solace that they can find is in Jesus Christ. all the more urgency for missionaries around the world and this just proves one point.

we all like to dally in whatever we are doing, always with a mindset that there's more time to finish it later. but we never know what will happen the next day. the fragility of life. i just pray that given the current situation, the Holy Spirit will descend upon the people there and touch their hearts, giving them peace and jope for a new beginning. and may the God use those already based in philippines more mightlily than before, sharing with people the refuge in Christ.

and while i know, the first time of going there after a natural disaster, i think it will be a new experience that God will use to teach me and mould me. added with uncertainty of anything that can happen there, i can honestly stand up and stand in the face of adversity. because i have Christ, i have no need to fear anything. like the song "with all i am", into Your hands i commit again, with all i am for you Lord.

as i ponder about why am i going to philippines for my mission trip, i come to remember that i dont. in fact i had wanted to go to thailand, but now i understand why i was put there. God had closed all other doors and left only one open. and while i admit there was a bit of reluctance in going there before, i dont feel it at all now, not one bit. God has left that door open for me for a purpose, and i intend to go there and fulfil it. im not going to let the devil's reign over the earth to hinder me or stop me. because i go with Christ alongside me.

and i still stand by my life verse, which speaks of such things; evangelism in spite of danger.

"And now, compelled by the Holy Spirit, I am going to Jerusalem not knowing what will happen to me there. I only know that in every city the Holy Spirit warns me that hardships and prison are facing me. But i consider my life worth nothing to me, if only i may finish the race and complete the task Lord Jesus had given to me - the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace"
Acts 20:22-24

2006-10-30T14:20:00.000+08:00

was just looking throught that post i put up last time about the youth leaders. you're not gonna find it here but ya, i keep it to serve as a reminder of what i wanted in YZ..

committe retreat was really interesting, and i dont regret going to it despite O Levels and all. not one sigle bit. many new revelations, as well as relationships patched and friendships strengthend.

so a whole new structure is going to be implemented next year, and im really excited about how God will use us to change the culture in YZ. im sure the four of you are too..*ponders about what to write* [hmmm i really should have blogged yesterday because i had a lot of things to say, but now its kinda lost..haha]

anywayz i think looking back at whatever has happened during the retreat, the things i talked about..i just hope it doesnt end there but it sustains throughout our 3 years of service. im just kept wondering what's happening in my life now, if i have a limited capacity for the number of people there can be in my life..

friendships once so strong..
passion once was great..
and love once so abundant..

not that i have lost any of those, but im just thinking especially in midst of our major examinations, where are our priorities set at? haha maybe its just me cause i see things differently, and i dont think anyone will really (i mean really) understand what its like, not knowing what to do when you have your earthly responsibilities on one hand and God-given responsibilities on the other. what happens when both clashes?

which is gonna come put tops? im left thinking what many of us will answer. say now is a perfectly good time to review your commitment. actually there's a reason i wanna share for my mindset, but i dont think anyone will understand, so i will just leave it as it is..for now that is.

for the people whom havbe slowly faded away, i wanna relight that flame and bond. while im steadily enjoying myself in YZ, im losing the things i had in the past. how ironic. its really like i got a limited capacity lor. if there's input on one side, there's output on the other.

eddie asked me once why do i bother so going so far every weekend when there's a church in my local community. simple: my ministry is there and there's where God wants me to be. im not going to leave just because im unhappy there. i used to stand by one truth: i go to church not to seek personal fulfilment and attainment but i go there to glorify and praise God. so yeah lor, i guess non-christians wont understand, but when you are touched by God, thats all that matters.

and after all christians are humans too. they make mistakes and stuff like that. christians aren't all holy, pure, blameless or sinless..at least i know im not yet. im still an unrefined product and i make mistakes, lots of them in fact. but well, im learning, and commiting them at the same time, but i know at the end of the day, i know where i will be.

looking through some messages and rethinking through the people in my life, im really left hanging. i really wanna do something to reinstate the friendship lor. someone once wrote this for me..

"anyway daryl
i want u to know
i will always be here for u lah
we can run this race together
we can do it!
and i will do watever it takes to pull u up
when u are down
pull u up, and continue running
i wont let go of that grip, daryl
this is my promise to u"

"we can wait
even if we have to
at least i know i can
if God willing, that is"

oh well, whatever it is, im leaving it into Your hands. lance, en, dora and rachel, yeah im really looking forward to next year:)

2006-10-06T20:05:00.000+08:00

i know i havent been blogging for some time already, but well im just back to share and testofy to God's blessings and grace.

my application for my mission trip has been approved today:) im so happy that i will be able to go out and share God's gift with those who havent heard it yet, and that Christ my work powerfully in me to spread the Gospel!!

Mission Trip: Cebu, Philippines Mission Attcahment
Date: 19 November 2006 - 2 December 2006

its immediately after my O' Levels..and while im gonna miss prom night, i dont really care cause i no i will be doing something more worthwhile in a foreign land. but im still gonna miss that last chance when i will probably see everyone together..*sobs* nonetheless, if God calls, GO!!!

im excited about this trip, yet scared. im gonna be alone on this trip..LITERALLY ALONE. in a foreign land. with absolutely no one i know!! i dont know what its gonna be like, but all i know is that i will probably change the way i see things, what God is doing in Philippines and in the world. and i know im gonna be blessed.

out of the approximate thousand for the trip, half of it has already come in. and its not from my parents. its from my aunt. despite being a newly converted Christian, its really very encouraging that she has so willingly pledged $500 for my trip!! im really touched by her act of generosity and faith. there's so much more i can do for her family, for example my cousin who;'s interested in Christianity, but sometimes i just feel that i take these things too lightly. i just hope that after the mission trip, or even before, God will grant me the courage to even talk to my cousin, as well as wisdom to answer all her questions. and not forgetting my parents blessing and support for my trip. how much my mom has done to help me settle the itty-bitty details. i owe them a big thanks!

no doubt, the devil will always be prowling around to attack me. but i just ask for prayers of deliverance against spiritual attacks. dont ask them to stop, cause they are what builds us up in Christ. we need to be tested and tried in order to understand the sacrifice Chirst has gone through for it. and im gonna face it; i wouldnt have it any other way.

*i really wanna be back on the 2 December. probably gonna be resting at home, or even in youth camp. but i'd really rather be somewhere else. i just hope i wont be too late in doing anything.

and to anyone out there, it doesnt matter if you're a Christian or not, i just wanna say..

JESUS LOVES YOU!!

2006-09-04T02:52:00.000+08:00

i can only imagine...

came across this song in my iTunes just now by chance. reminds me of that video last week. seen it so many times, but yet..each time holds a different truth..

first time in a long long time since that happened. at least not since i was in thailand 3 years ago. or in children camp years ago. but when God touches you, there is nothing you can do. when you come to the realisation that He died just to save a world of unworthy sinners, there's nothing that you can hold back..

and when you come to understand that He loves us SO MUCH more than we can ever fanthom..
one just breaks down and we see our fragility. the fragility of life. the fragility of faith. the fragility of love.

how fragile the human love is. suseptible to fluctuations. if a father is able to do so much for his handicapped son, what more for the Father up in Heaven? still i dont think anyone can comprehend God's love, or even go to the extents that God would go for us. human nature always allow us to hold back, but God doesnt hold back anything for us. willing to sacrifice Himself so willingly..when He could have called down battleons of angels..

how many times when we see our loved ones in trouble, will we rush to their aid..EVEN WITHOUT THINKING? on that jetty that day, looking down into the sea..i can only imagine. that sight of Jesus walking towards me and reaching out, calling to come down with Him. how fragile is our faith, that we cant trust in Him to sustain us. and we drown in the water.

was thinking if you were drowning in the water, would i jump in after you? how many of you out there would say that you would jump in if your loved one was drowning? how many wouldnt? so many times humans have the correct intentions, yet we falter to our minds. the devil's tools. so many times we want to do whats right? but how many times have we stumbled because our heart said otherwise?

i can only imagine.
surrounded by Your glory. what will my heart feel?
will I dance for you Jesus?
Or in awe of you be still?
Will I stand in your presence?
Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing hallelujah?
will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine

I can only imagine when all i will do..is forever worship you.

Jesus save us all. touch the heart of your children Lord. make you presence known to the world.

in the eyes of the young children. all the innocence. those eyes that radiate joy. those eyes that look at you with love. how many are we going to let fall prey to the devil?
how many are you going to let grow up and reject God?
how many are you going to lose for God's Kingdom?
are you willing to hide the true joy that comes from God?
will you embrace them in the love of God?
will you take away their false hope and give them Christ?
will you give your life to save them for Christ?

i can only imagine.

the unquenchable eyes. those eyes of fire. even on the cross, the eyes that cried. the eyes that looked down on His people. the eyes burning with love. the eyes that saw the beginning of earth. the eyes that saw cain kill abel. the eyes that saw noah through the flood. the eyes that saw the first rainbow. the eyes that saw the tower of babel. the eyes that twinkled like the stars abraham saw. the eyes that saw the separation of isaac and ishmael. the eyes that stared into jacob's as day broke. the eyes that saw joseph's coat torn. the eyes that saw moses in a basket. the eyes that saw the israelite slaves. the eyes that saw them cross the red sea. the eyes that saw the ten plagues.the eyes that saw the walls of jericho fall.the eyes that looked on love for samuel. the eyes that saw saul as king. the eyes that saw david's battle with goliath. the eyes that saw his lust for bathsheba. the eyes that saw solomon's wisdom. the eyes that saw elijah's miracles. the eyes that saw daniel's faith. the eyes that saw jonah in the whale.

the eyes that saw Jesus in a manger. the eyes that saw His Son crucified on the cross. the ears that heard His people demanding for the Saviour's death. the heart that bled for His people.

these were the eyes of God. how deep the father's love for us.

i can only imagine.

so many people have felt this emptiness within themselves. how many facades do you want to put up to decieve others? is it really necessary to show others that you are strong physically and emotionally? then i tell you that you are foolish, because we are depending on our strengths. have we allowed God to step into our lives when we try to be brave? how can God ever hope to touch us if we fortify ourselves with self-centredness?

God wants to be with us. the world. His people. the love of God that He even sent His Son to die for you. will you let God touch you? will you let Him reside in your heart? will you recieve His gift of salvation?

will you give this gift to others who are blinded by the darkness?

i can only imagine.

2006-08-27T01:38:00.000+08:00

Hear Us From Heaven - Don Moen

Lord, hear our cry
Come heal our land
Breath life into these dry and thirsty souls
Lord, hear our prayer
Forgive our sin
And as we call on Your name
Would You make this a place
For Your glory to dwell

Open the blind eyes
Unlock the deaf ears
Come to Your people
As we draw near
Hear us from heaven
Touch our generation
We are Your people
Crying out in desperation

Hear Us From Heaven
Hear Us From Heaven
Hear Us From Heaven

2006-08-19T23:32:00.000+08:00

leading worship tomorrow.

one words - "nervous". just praying that everything will turn out fine by His grace. After all you are the Master Musician. Im just an instrument, part of Your jigsaw in Your Master Plan.

trust. abide. faith.

2006-08-15T17:11:00.000+08:00

i kissed dating goodbye.

for anyone who struggles with romance or relationship problems, especially Christians, i really recommended this read. written by joshua harris, this book openly explores the ENTIRE aspect of dating. truthful personal insight, fresh ideas, the author really puts across his message in this engaging book - if you are willing to try and change. It shows what it means to entrust your love life to God, giving up dating and discovering that God has something even better - a life of sincere love, true purity and purposeful singleness.

dont get me wrong, im not an anti-dating activist. this book doesnt encourage you to stay single, its preaches waiting to get the best out of the dating experience, dating fundamentals, and probably everything you ever wondered about your love life.

do you give yourself away physically or emotionally in ways you regret later? does committment need to be the goal of a romantic relationship? who are you answerable to for the consequences which follow dating?

i have yet to find out why; im only on the fiftieth page of the book. but even in the first pages, it gives you such an impactful resolve, that im certain the rest of the book will definitely rescuplt your life. it probably is for mine, slowly chipping away at the stone-hard memories and defiance. leaving you behind in the knowledge that He has someone out there for me. travelling light without the emotional and psychological hurt. what it means to fully commit my life into His hands.

dating in a different perspective.

will you kiss dating goodbye (first)?

2006-07-24T01:12:00.000+08:00

i feel that there's a gap between our friendship.

i dont know what, i juts feel a void in between. the lack of communication. sometimes i feel like im a liability more than an asset. maybe coz sometimes i feel shut out from your world. dont tell yourself you cant relate. you can and you will.

broken friendship? i choose not to think so.

i was never an optimist, but before you it seems like i just need to be. to cheer you up and calm you down. life's not easy, and i cannot claim i have gone through much more in life than you, but i wish i had. He uses these trials and experiences to shape and mould us. EVERYTHING will work out in His perfect timing.

dont worry.

2006-07-24T00:17:00.000+08:00

the back-row.

the area so densely populated. new-comers. fresh faces. sleeping patrons. people who are partly-oblivious to the Word of God.

why sould the people in the front row hear the Word of God twice, when the people in the back-row hasnt even heard of it once? third-world countries, tribal locations in the jungles, beggars on the street etc..

the back-row.

thats where i want to be. reach out. welcome the visitors. talk to the. make them feel at home. radiate the love of Christ. yet at the same time people think im anti-social. maybe i am.

i admit i was, but im trying to change. its not easy, and that aspect of my character is still rather prominent in me. to a certain extent its good, coz it gives me more space to breathe and think about things, but than again i push people away. an invisible sphere with no way to breakthrough. im trying, but it takes time..

sarah and lucille, thank you for sitting beside me during service, but honestly speaking i would like to be alone. im one who gets distracted very easily, and somehow i cannot keep my focus for long. something i learnt 4 years ago on my first mission trip. a stranger among a group of 15 youths. but i think through that i was really able to see much more, coz my focus was not on my friends, but for the purpose in being there. i appreciate the company, but i feel closer to God when im alone. when there are no distractions and i can fully concentrate on Him. at the same time, welcome those around me.

im not being anti-social. im just being me.

so many problems on my hand. the list just keeps piling up. not that im complaining or anything, to the contrary i love doing all this, but somehow i just feel like i need a break. eddie, wanda, jonathan, james, ronald..and so the list keeps adding. over-commitment, not being able to give my 100% in what i do, thats my biggest worry. toss in schoolwork and my home church. a mist of confusion and pressure just waiting to explode. can i supress it?

yet i jut want to have that one extra problem in my life. that problem of dealing with my friend's problems. encouraging and comforting them. i see how close-knitted you people are, and i want to feel that too, be a part of it. i will just say it out directly, im not ashamed to admit, i dont have many friends. my anti-social attitude people think i have, sometimes the over-enthusiasm and irritating me when i try to know someone better, saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, and even because i have a different personality than most youths in this generation. thinking about things which are of absolutely no concern to me at all, the kill-joy and serious perception. im not gonna change that, coz that's who i really am.

but than again what if things were different?

seems everytime i want to blog is a time when there are too many things on my mind. this blog basically serves as an oulet where i can just rant and scream. not my intended purpose though..i wanna reach out to the world, that it will set them thinking about Christ. that is what i want to do. but until im emotional stable, i guess this blog will just have to serve as an outlet for my frustrations..

that aside, i hear so many people saying the same thing. with a more secure and stable life, does it necessarily mean that we are too sheltered to bear the spoils of reality that awiats us? i guess we have even more things to worry about, experiencing more than what we need to, more than what we can bear.

"no one understands"..such a common phrase. a pick-up line to catch people's attention. everybody's saying it..but look deep down inside.
what are you struggling with?
what am i struggling with?
what are we struggling with?
look deep down inside and you'll find maybe we aren't so different after all.
maybe we're experiencing the same things..

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalms 34:18

2006-07-22T02:12:00.000+08:00

half-dead already..staring at this glaring screen.

haiz today was really fun. would like to post but im really tired...*yawns* other days perhaps.

elated yet a sense of contrite lingers. havent been spending much time with my charges. feel so lousy now.

annoyed, asleep, bored, broken-down, burned out, collapsing, consumed, decrepit, dilapidated, distressed, drained, droopy, drowsy, effete, empty, enervated, exasperated, fagged, faint, fatigued, fed up, finished, flagging, haggard, insubstantial, irked, irritated, jaded, narcoleptic, overtaxed, overworked, prostrated, sharoosed, sick, sleepy, spent, stale, superannuated, wasted, weary, whacked, worn..

i called.

you answered.

and YOU came to MY rescue.

2006-07-16T20:50:00.000+08:00

"look for someone who will light the candles, not curse the darkness"

another week. another luggage of worries.

trying to travel light, but i cant. always getting involved in what doesnt concern me. being at the wrong place at the wrong time. saying the right thing at the wrong time. lost. confused. HELPLESS.

i know where i need to be, but yet is that where i really wanna go to? calling at one place, heart at another. can i ever give my best in whatever i do. once i felt torn in between. trying to mend the scars, stich it back. yet it seems on one side another split is opening. i really dont wanna go for CG anymore, because the more i do, the more i feel torn i between.

isnt it ironic? coming here to escape reality just to find it again.

dont know where i should really go now. i thought i had it all figured out, guess i thought wrong now. i cant possibly be at two places at one time. tugging at both sides, where should i go. neither left nor right. i will walk straight to find You.

i know you guys mean it jokingly whenever you say it, but i take it seriously. two on one side, three on the other. i feel lost in between, not even wanting to have to choose between both. seriously, im just another person. whats so special about me? nothing, i feel like i will only cause more trouble. you guys know how i feel, and honestly speaking, i dont want to have that feeling here again. i just want a happy friendship with ALL of you, without having to ever CHOOSE.

[to the one who owes me waffles]
it's really been great knowing you and all. like i said i have so many things to say to you, mainly because im really inspired by your faith in God. so many things has happened in your life, but yet you are still standing strong for the Lord. and i really want to be like you, to have that faith that He will carry me through. you really have been an encouragement to me, and i hope i will be so too. whatever happens, always know that He will be there to carry us through. whatever we have experienced, God has exprienced ten-fold. He even knows what its like to lose a loved one, because He gave His only Son to die for all of us. amazing grace, that He would die for sinners such as us. He really understands ya. run on for Him..forever.

[to the one who lent me his PS2]
i still remember the first time we met. you were calling me to join your team for floorball but i was rather reluctant. as time passed i came to know about a different side of you, one that is so similar to mine. and sometimes i feel that you can relate to whatever i am feeling, and i really appreciate your effort in trying to reach out to me. but somehow probably i just sense so much more in your heart, so many more things that are bothering you. and brother i just wanna let you know that i will always be here to lend a listening ear or a helping hand. and He will always be here to carry us through. never forget that.

[to the one who made me feel welcome in church]
well i see you everyday in school..from the first impression i had of you, you have truely proven me wrong. i see you so on fire for God that sometimes i reflect back on my life and im wondering what im doing. i see Him radiating in your life, with your constant smile and cheerfulness, you never fail to cheer me up when im down. i see how God has used you in His church, the joy and encouragement you bring to other people. your openess and jovial character. and i really thank the Lord that i came to know you. really thank you for all the encouragement and relief you've given me. thank you for everything.

[to the one whom i always play table-tennis with]
thanks to you i can say my skills have improved considerably!! that aside, i really have to say again that im really proud of you. how God has changed and shaped you within this short time, even with a construction of a Christian blog. i really appreciate you efforts in reaching out to eddie, as well as being a good friend who is always there for me. i see you more God-like, and that is just a testimony of how God has changed you into a better person, a real example that He shaped us into something more beautiful. my prayer for you is that you will continually turn to Him in times of desperation and need, and not succumb to peer pressure. the devil is always there to try to pry us away from God, and i pray that ou will stand firm in times of testing and trial. live for Him and shine for Him. burn on brother.

[to the one whom i was always at loggerheads with]
like i said so many times i never imagined i would share this type of friendship with you before in my life. nonetheless im happy that God has put you back in my life. im really encouraged by your devotion in calling eddie down to church all the time, and your determination. i know sometimes you might feel wierd about it, like sending out wrong messages, but dont worry. i am sure God will use you mightily especially in the world. pray that you will never ever forget what your first experience in sawa was like, never let that fire die down. so many people out there need to hear the Good News. let us who can go, give them the gift that our loving Father has given us. go and touch the world.

[to the one whom i really pray for salvation]
it has been a miracle all the time with you around. i guess you dont know this, but we have all been witnessing a miracle, a miracle so close, a miracle which is you. from the once stubborn and obstinate guy i known, you've really grown into someone more than that person i once knew. im really happy to see you in church and one day i hope i can be serving alongside you. but i just want you to know that its your choice. to accept Him, or not, its all your choice. like i said before, no strings attached. but im really proud of you, especailly standing up for your friends and just being there for me. thank you so much..

guys, im really encouraged by ALL of you. maybe you dont realise it, but i dont think i have ever been happier in my life. just hanging out brings a smile to my face. its your presence and encouragement that spurs me on. seeing how God has worked in your life, how on fire you are for Him, i never ever want to see that disappear.

stay strong.
run on.
and finish strong...

together.

2006-07-09T06:27:00.000+08:00

Leaving is Loving
"Woman, behold your son." (John 19:26)

The gospel is full of rhetorical challenges that test our faith and buck against human nature.

"It is more blessed to give that to recieve" (Acts 20:35)

"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it" (Luke 9:24)

"Only in his home town and in his own house is a prophet without honour" (Matthew 13:57)

But no statement is as confusing or frightening as the one in Matthew 19:29. "And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or field for my sake will recieve a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life."

The part about leaving land and fields I can understand. It is the other part that causes me to cringe. It's the part about leaving mom and dad, saying goodbye to brothers and sisters, placing a farewell kiss on a son or daughter. It is easy to parallel discipleship with poverty or public disgrace, but leaving my family? Why do I have to be willing to leave those I love? Can sacrifice get anymore sacrificial than that?

In the morning Jesus came in from the shop early, his eyes firmer, his voice more direct. He had heard the news. Her son took off his nail apron, dusted off his hands and with one last look said goodbye to his mother. They both knew it would never be the same again. In the last look they shared a secret, the full extent of which was too painful to say aloud.

Mary learnt that day the heartache comes from saying goodbye. She wasnt the first one to be called to say goodbye to loved ones for the sake of the kingdom. Joseph was called to be an orphan in Egypt. Jonah was called to be a foreigner in Nineveh. Daniel was sent from Jeruslem to Babylon. Abraham was sent to sacrifice his own son. Paul had to say goodbye to his heritage. The Bible is bound together with goodbye trails and stained with farewell tears.

In fact, it seems that goodbye is a word all too prevalent in the Christian's vocabulary. Missionaries know it well. Those who send them know it, too. The docotr who leaves the city to work in the jungle hospital has said it. So has the Bible translator who lives far from home. Those who feed the hungry, those who teach the lost, those who help the poor all know the word goodbye.

Airports. Luggage. Embraces. Taillights. "Wave to grandma." Tears. Bus terminals. Ship docks. "Goodbye Daddy." Tight throats. Ticket counters. Misty eyes. "Write me!"

What kind of God would put people through such agony? What kind of God would give you families and then ask you to leave them? What kind of God would give you friends and then ask you to say goodbye?

A God who knows that the deepest love is built not on passion and romance, but on a common mission and sacrifice.

A God who knows that we are the only pilgrims and that eternity is so close that any "goodbye" is in reality a "see you tomorrow."

A God who did it himself.

Jesus looked at Mary. His ache was from a pain far greater than that of the nails and thorns. In their silent glance they again shared a secret.

And he said goodbye.

[no wonder they call him the savior, max lucado]

2006-07-08T23:52:00.000+08:00

LEAVING 99 - Audio Adrenaline

I'm lost and broken, all alone on this road
The wheels keep turnin', but the feelin' is gone
When I fear I'm on my own
You remind me I am not alone
When You said

I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you
For you alone
I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you

It's dark and lonely and the path is unclear
Can't move my feet because I'm frozen in fear
Then you say, "My child, my child -
I am always here, I'm by your side"

You're never too far down
I promise you'll be found
I'll reach into the mud and mirely clay
Pursue you to the end
Like a faithful friend
Nothing in this world can keep me away

this song means so much to me.

will You always be here, right by my side?

2006-07-08T13:45:00.000+08:00

the only thing is that i wont forget spain.

6 years down.

i promise

2006-07-07T23:34:00.000+08:00

run on.

coz all that i could ever ask for is You.

no mood to blog, shant even bother anywayz. going for a run tml to clear my mind. cya

2006-07-06T22:46:00.000+08:00

leaving you.

somehow those words are etched deep in my heart. wanting to do so, but yet unable to. lucille's words ring deep in my heart. maybe the only reason that He cannot use me fully is because of YOU. so many drops of tears shed, so many emotional scars scratching me, so many memories to let go. in the end is it worth it?

i dont think so. as much the wind howls and the sea beats, one just can't force love. maybe its really time to move on with life. just another fragment of memory, sweet and wonderful, but like the jagged edge of glass, cuts you as deep. a permanent scar forever etched there. never healing, always wounded.

i have said it so many times before. yet one after another, that determinence is broken. where's my resolve? i really wanna get over you, but im also not willing to let go. so selfish. just so selfish. looking back on all the hurt and pain i inflicted on myself. maybe one day i will laugh at myself for being so silly..

one day..but not just yet. i wanna cherish the moment of having you right beside me, yet im chasing for something so illustrious that will never come true. if your heart finds a place in him, what right do i have to stop you? takes me just so long to understand that love cannot be forced. or is it even love? or being in love of being in love?

so many more things to do in this world. why am i spending so much grieving on broken mirrors? they just reflect a distorted image. a false hope, a facade, a LIE. things of the past...forget them.

let you go..and i will be free.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past." Isaiah 43:18

[to you] sometimes it seems like i dont care about anything that happens, but deep down inside i really care. i just want you to know that you have lots of great friends around you, and whatever happens, be it for better or for worse, i am very sure that they will always stand by you. never feel alone because you have them. people who care, people who love you. never forget them.

and i dont think i have ever said this, but now i wanna say it one last time.

i loved you.

2006-07-02T22:26:00.000+08:00

prone to mood swings. ya thats me. dont really know what to blog about..so tired..

anywayz today was open sunday in wefc. dont even know why they call it open. had an entire afternoon of games and short bible messages. the event quite cool. maybe can do it in twpc someday. lol..

went out for dinner with yonling sarah benn and timothy. the lagsana was like mush (baby food), and for the $5 price tag i dont really think it was worth it. my mom really cooks better lagsana!!!

today' sermon was interesting. "Start Strong, Finish Stronger". really speaks out in today;s society because sometimes Christians get so caught up in worldly affairs such as school, and work. time always seems to be lacking and eventually many back-slide. talked about how we can prevent such stuff, a perfect illustration in the book of daniel.

WHEN YOU FEEL THAT YOU ARE ALONE IN THE RACE, AND NO ONE IS SUPPORTING YOU; COME BACK
WHEN YOU ARE TIRED, AND NEED SOMEONE TO GIVE YOU REST; COME BACK
WHEN YOU ARE IN THE DARKNESS, FAR AWAY FROM THE LIGHT; COME BACK

COME BACK TO THE FATHER.

the search for true friendship. it ends here. maybe i have been to preoccupied with worldly affairs, i miss even the most obvious of things. never noticing that it is right in front of me. it is You alone.

2006-06-23T16:00:00.000+08:00

the stay-over at yongling's house was a really wonderful experience. we shared about so much and not to mention the fellowship :)

reached her house at around 11pm. benn was not there yet, due to some rashes on his thighs. at first sarah and yongling on the computer, then they went to watch some sort of police drama on channel 55. so i took over the computer..haha. talked with caleb over msn, about crap and the italy-czech match. we talked like commentating on the match, and about the girls wanting to share and stuff. he warned me not to, coz they would get super emotional and start crying. haha i actually believed him la, they tried my best to avoid the sharing. checked the world cup scores, the most recent match being ghana-usa match. ghana won 2-1, scoring at the 23 and 47 min, and usa in the 43 min. i remembered the match facts then went back out to watch the italy-czech match. italy won 2-0 in the end, and benn arrived. we started looking through tons of pictures in yongling's computer, all the camp pics and stuff. took quite a while then we went to eat the sandwiches benn bought from 7-eleven. again as usual, we sat down there pushing the "honour" of saying grace to each other. in the end i kena. said grace and started eating while watching the ghana-usa match. it was a replay, but apparently they didnt know it. i predicted the scoreline, and who will socre at the precise time. waited till the 21 min, we all got engaged in the match. kept reminding them of my predictions..haha.

22 min, ghana made an effort but usa got possesion of the ball. sarah was happy, coz only 30 seconds left beforethe 23 min. suddenly ghana regained possesion and started their counter-attack..and they scored!! man the look on their faces when ghana scored was priceless. all nothing to say, only that i am freaky for being able to predict the score. i had such a good laugh la!! we didnt catch the remainder of the match. went into yongling's room for a time of sharing and prayer.

sat in a circle and closed the door. sarah kept complaining that it was humid, so we kept pushing the fan in her direction. benn shared about a passage in john 21:15-17. it was about Jesus telling Peter to tend His sheeps. benn dhared that we should all obey His instructions to tend for His sheeps and lambs, the people around us. the command for missions and evangelism, as well as follow up. talked lots about other stuff, such as our first impressions of one another. and suprisingly, yongling benn and me had the same first impression of sarah!! wont say what it was, but kinda funny coz we all had the same conception.

shared more until 3, then we prayed for 30 mins. for eddie, our individual selfs and all our prayer needs. it was really affirming and i could feel God's presence in the room. what a wonderful feeling that was..the soothing aura and calmness. perfectly at peace.

by the time we went out to watch the brazil match, it was already 25 mins underway. whenever anyone scored a goal, yongling benn and me would try to be as quiet as possible coz yongling's mom was sleeping. we hardly made any noise. only sarah was stamping her feet in excitement when a goal was scored la!! super hilarious, then we had to keep reminding her to keep quiet..

called mcdonald delivery for breakfast. we ate quite a lot, and had so much fun especially during the match. ate till we couldnt eat anymore then we all went to sleep, except benn who was on his computer playing DotA against AI..lol. i slept on the couch where there were SOOO many mosquitoes hovering around, the incessant buzzing in my ear and the noisy fan cum windmill hanging on the window. slept for 5 mins, then would wake up, and fall asleep again..so the routine continues till 10 when they woke up. benn left at around 6+ to go for windsurfing. supposed toget home before 11, but i compromised with my parents to reach home later.

in the end decided to go home, get a bath and a change of clothes. went back down to church to meet mervin and sarah for a short time of study..and floorball in the evening.

WONDERFUL WONDERFUL EVENING..

2006-06-22T22:00:00.000+08:00

went to church to study with lucille. people always accuse me of staying up late, but from how isee it im not the only one rite? even lucille was still awake at 1am la!! talking on msn to decide what time to meet in church..and breakfast. cant remember how the conversation went, but it ended up in me going to her house for breakfast!!

really never expected this day in primary school. for starters we were always at constant loggerheads with each other. and we never had a good impression of one another. kinda strange how our views and opinions changes over the years.

reached her house at 0930h. her parents weren't at home..so loving went out for breakfast together. something i aspire to do after marriage and kids..haha.i kept commenting that her house was super big, and nice not to mention. her room, though kinda cramp, had a toilet, drum set and 2 guitars la!! im so envious, coz she switched room with her parents, so she got the master bedroom with germaine, and their parents got another smaller room..without a toilet. how lucky. anywayz breakfast was nice..egg, bacon, sausage and apple juice (though lacking toast lucille!!). nah just kidding. sat down there for 5 mins deciding who should say grace. in the end we said our own and started eating. and being the typical lucille, she ate so little. and i was really full, so left 1 piece of egg, 1 rasher of bacon and 1 sausage on the table. looked super weird sia..1 of everything. left the house and took a bus down to church.

called yongling down to church. kept saying that she got a surprise for me and lucille. turned out it was a box full of candies. haha especially that big bar of cruchie chocolate. too bad she was sick, cannot eat. especially with me sitting beside her and reminding her not to eat. HAHA. in the end finished by everyone else, than she ate only a bit la. so sad, her present from pastor but never got to eat it.

went to causeway to meet sarah coz she didnt have enough money to get stuff we wanted in church. joanne told me to go by the back since it was a faster way. started running via the back lane...only to find myself so far away from causeway!! 5 mins away la!! felt so stupid, ran back to causeway to meet sarah. we got lunch for them and went back. eddie came down at around 3 and we had a good time of revision, though somewhere along we got distracted and started playing table-tennis. went for dinner with all of them plus benn.

contemplating if we should go to yongling's house to watch the brazil-japan match. talk and talk and talk, yongling's mom agreed to let us stay. then i was pressing sarah to call her parents to see if she could go. another 30 mins passed, sarah plucked up the courage to call her dad and she was given the green light!! in the end left we me to see if MY parents would allow. so scared la. didnt dare to call them to tell them. decided to go home and ask while sarah went off with yongling first and benn went back home to get his stuff first. at home finally decided to ask.

long story cut short, they allowed me to go after such a long time of persuausion..on the way there keep bluffing sarah that my parents didnt allow me to go. she was like super upset la..that girl really cannot distinguish lie from truth..and not to mention sarcasm la..thats what makes her such a nice girl i guess.

oh wells, going down to yongling's house soon. shall blog after the soccer match. IM SO HAPPY!!!

2006-06-21T01:54:00.000+08:00

Have You Come To "When" Yet?
"The Lord restored Job's losses when he prayed for his friends" (Job 42:10)

A pitiful, sickly, and self-centered kind of prayer and a determined effort and selfish desire to be right with God are never found in the New Testament. The fact that I am trying to be right with God is actualliy a sign that I am rebelling against the atonement by the Cross of Christ. I pray, "Lord, I will purify my heart if You will answer my prayer - I will walk rightly before You if You will help me." But I cannot make myself right with God; I cannot make my life perfect. I can only be right with God if I accept the atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ as an absolute gift. Am I humble enough to accept it? I have to surrender all my rights and demands, and cease from every self-effort. I must leave myself completely alone in His hands, and then I can begin to pour my life out in the priestly work of actual disbelief in atonement. Jesus is not just beginning to save us - He has already saved us completely. It is an accomplished fact, and it is an insult to Him for us to ask Him to do what He has already done.

If you are not now recieving the "hundredfold" which Jesus promised (see Matthew 19:29), and not getting insight into God's Word, then start praying for your friends - enter into the ministry of the inner life. "The Lord restored Job's losses when he prayed for his friends." As a saved soul, the real business of your life is intercessory prayer. Whatever circumstances God may place in you, always pray immediately that His atonment may be recognized and fully understood in the lives of others as it has been in yours. Pray for your friends now, and pray for those with whom you come in contact now.

[my upmost for His highest, oswald chmbers] june 20

2006-06-20T19:58:00.000+08:00

i've been feeling so happy these few days. just so happy. i cant stop smiling and laughing. it has all been yongling and sarah's happiness and joy rubbing off me. but yet somehow i cant stop feeling a sense of despair and hopelessness. especially after reading your entry. is it really true?

i know we all have our own individual problems. all so busy. all so tired. i know you are only one person, but so am i. as much as you want to change the culture, i want so too. if you are feeling so worn out, what about me? so long i have been trying. inject fun into our youths, create a desire to come to church everytime. but i feel so alone, coz though we all aspire to have the same goal, we may have different processes. and i feel like im walking alone. you have your group of friends to support you. where's mine? the burden is even heavier for me because and made a covenant with God, and even had a specific calling to it.

maybe i shouldnt say so much because the more i do, the more i make matters worse. NO one can truely understand how i feel..

how i just dislike it when i feel that people are always telling me that im too young to do anything. im supported by God, no doubt about that. but it would be nice just to have the support of my friends.

it all starts with prayer. are you ALL willing to walk the road with me?

2006-06-19T23:31:00.000+08:00

been so bored at home. nothing much to do. computer, tv..kinda gets boring in a while. and with my ps2 still not repaired..haiz

went to church at 11. arranged on sunday to meet at 8, then change to 10, to 12, finally 1. reached at 12.30, met zeken and did our homework together. sarah and yongling were supposed to arrive at 1, but in the end only came at 1.30!! and they took a taxi from 888!! its like just 5 minutes away la..thats what i mean by im never gonna be early for anything again!! we sat down doing our work, and eating loads of seaweed. slowly people filled the place then we played floorball at 4.

grouped with caleb, michel and beryl. caleb and michel were both attacking down the flanks while i was defending. we won all our starting matches, like 6 or so. after amos' team played against us, we were unable to score and kept losing. mind you i did my part in defending. beryl was the "top scorer" , scoring two own goals. lol..she got so scared of caleb, so she decided not to play and went running.

next floorball session on wednesday. so sad cant make it on time. got dental at 4, so probably reach church at 6?? followed by a boring thursday and another floorball friday, captain's ball on saturday and service on sunday. wanna watch soccer on friday. missed out brazil vs australia yesterday. YONGLING!! I WANNA WATCH!!

yongxiang called just now to ask me out for buffet lunch tml at seoul garden. a part of me wants to go but than again i guess i better not. especially since she's going, i dont want her or me to have to eat in total silence. guess i'll let her enjoy herself and rot away at home..

[Mikh] i didnt intend to put down anybody, just to mention my cares and concern about our youths. its kind of partially my fault too coz i used to be very anti-social. just hoping that we can work towards a better YZ!!

2006-06-19T00:06:00.000+08:00

slept at 5. wanted to wake up at 8 to go for the 9am service, but i overslept. guess you would too if you only had 5 hours of sleep. went for 11am service..so anticipating to meet melissa after a long long time, but i never saw her. by the time i came out of service, everyone was in their respective venues. all in different places except the church. went home to get a change of clothing and then popped back in church waiting for floorball. all said they would be back at 2+, in the end became 3+. guess my life's full of waiting and waiting..

*i think im gonna make a resolve never to be early again. coz whenever i am, the rest are ALWAYS (i mean FOREVER) late. no point wasting time in waiting..lol

sat at the playground for an hour plus while waiting. seeing children running up and down, having so much fun. innocence. purity. joy. everything we lost ever since we entered a different world. a world full of everything we dont wanna face. stress. confusion. work. money. complicated.

somethimes its good just to unleash your inner child once in a while. like playing in the playground, or watching kiddie shows. it kinds of relives the memories of childhood. everything we had but lost. sitting down there we screams and shouts. cries and bruises. fathers picking up their children and comforting them. the carefree world of children. i would just like to experience it again. to everyone else, screams and cries are a nuisance. to me, music created by angels God sent into this world.

sitting on that slide and doing daily devotions. today's devotion was in total relevance to whatever i've been going through. it reminded me not to doubt God about anyhting. anytime i feel a calling i should go out and do it, never mind the obstacles coz God will clear it all for us.

We step out right with the recognition of God in some things, then self-consideration enters our lives and down we go. If you are truely recognizing your Lord, you have no business being concerned how and where He engineers your circumstances. The things surrounding you are real, but when you look at them you are immediately overwhelmed, and even unable to recognize Jesus. Then comes His rebuke, "..why did you doubt?" (Matthew 14:31) Let your actual circumstances be what they may, but keep recognizing Jesus, maintaining the complete reliance on Him.

If you debate even for one second when God has spoken, it is all over for you. Never start to say, "Well, I wonder if He really did speak to me?" Be reckless immediately - totally unrestrained and willing to risk everything - by casting your all upon Him. You do not know when His voice will come to you, but whenever the realization of God comes, even in the faintest way imaginable, be determined to recklessly abandon yourself, surrendering everything to him. It is only through abandonement of yourself and your circumstances that you will recognize Him. You will only recognize His voice more clearly through recklessness - being willing to risk your all

maybe i should just take a step of faith and just do whatever He calls me to. to step back and stop working so hard, watch His plans unravel in time.

waited till like 3+, talking to beryl. everyone seems so upset that their cg split, and its kinda like a norm to split now..to me at least. more waiting before the rest finally came. only had 7 sticks, so we played 3v3. mervin, leonard and me were in one team. modestly putting in, it was ownage. we kinda slaughtered every other group, only losing to leonard's sis team, who in tuen lost to everyone else, who won us, in which we won everyone but lost to them? i guess im not making any sense now. try blogging when you've only 5 hours of sleep in 2 days. changed teams when they found young adults came back with the other sticks. regrouped with mervin, sarah and yongling. lost the first game, won later and lost again. guess im getting better at defending..yipee :D
(note to self: never stand beside yongling or vera after they have scored. someday im gonna become deaf)

had loads of fun. the only pity being eddie didnt join us. playing tml again at 4pm. but not before i have a long run to sembawang and back again at 6 in the morning. and a study-period at 10 in church. followed by floorball at 4pm. im so booked tml, yet so free on tuesday, haiz truth be told i havent really revised much during holidays. DONT intend to still.

2006-06-17T05:13:00.000+08:00

[dedicated to the youths in woodlands evangelical free church]

thank you so much for eveything that you guys have done. even within the short time, i feel so welcome and at home. you guys, especially sarah, lucille, yongling and mervin, have really encouraged me alot. i feel so different, i dont know what, somehow i just do. i see how on fire you guys are for God, and i really thank Him for knowing you. constantly praying for eddie to accept Christ. thanks for all you've done!! i really appreciate it..i know it sounds kinda crazy, but i already miss the youths now!! just waiting to get over with tml so i can go to your church on sunday..lol

2006-06-17T04:13:00.000+08:00

[dedicated to Youth Zone leaders]

- i dont mean to be critical or anything, but these are just my opinions based on what i see. i know i havent been in youth service for near to 2 months, so i may be wrong in certain aspects. before you start judging me based on what i write, please read through the entire post and give my words some consideration. please forgiving me for making so many comparisons, i just want this type of culture to be adapted into YZ. i know we all as leaders want to see YZ grow as much as each other, but somehow i feel prompted to tell you guys how i feel. i dont want to be that anti-socialist i have been for so long. in what i say, i dont intend to pinpoint anybody. my sole intention is to see YZ grow as a whole, as a close knitted community. -

i know im anti-social to a certain extent, that i admit. i was lost during sec 1 and 2, aimlessly wandering in church without anywhere to go. i didnt want to go to YZ because i felt that i couldnt fit in. i didnt have a proper DG, constantly changing DGL's, before caiyue settled in and gave me bible study. she stabilized me and God prompted me to start opening me up. im really trying to put in effort in becoming more open, rather than inert since last year, and i hope you guys understand that.

one of my biggest problems why i couldnt fit in was because of the cliques in YZ. me and christopher being the only guys in our level, didnt have anyone else to follow and befriend, which explains our situations. cliques were so common that we couldnt find a proper place to fit in. we discuss this problem at every committee meeting, but in my opinion, nothing has yet been resolved. i still see the issue of cliques surfacing in YZ, especially within the committee. how many of us actually interact with other people aside from your clique and DG members? the sec 1's? i am in a way guilty too, but i try to make an effort. being too cliquish, as a result, we share little friendship with the other people in YZ. there is little interaction in between each other, we hardly know whats going on in their lives and how to help them tackle their problem. i feel little love among the YZers, some coming just because they have to come. i mean there is so little fellowship among us. it starts with service, and ends there. what continues afterwards? it merely becomes a routine for them to come to church.

i feel the same way too. in between the 6 weeks i didnt come to church, i would have least expected a call or sms asking about my spiritual well-being. nothing ever came and im really very upset. i recieved an sms from two people..imagine how happy i was, but the disappointment i felt when i realised that they were just comm mtg reminders. i feel as if my presence and existance in church doesnt even matter. how would it have been if it had been someone in your clique? what would be ur immediate reaction if he/she didnt turn up for 2 weeks? the thing i feel is that we dont have a close-knit communtiy in YZ at all. even after YZ when we go for lunch, its always the same gang together, and the rest of the YZers will just make their way home. do we even invite them to join us for lunch? i know announcements are made, but have we tried asking them personally? if we want YZ to grow, we must definitely abolish this mindset of the YZers that youth service is just a weekly routine.

i dont want the new sec 1's to follow the same road i did, being lost in the transaction and all. we're all youths, and being youths in a sense mean fun. instead of a short game followed by message during YZ, can we just have scheduled days just to go out, play some ball, just chill and have fellowship. that in itself is a service too rite? let me just explain the structure in WEFC. after service, the youths break for lunch from 11 to 1. during that 2 hour frame, we have lots of fellowship, catch up what on each other's lives and just have fun. afterwhich we go for service, while waiting another hour before they set the equipment up. we have worship and announcements, followed by games such as floorball, captain's ball and volleyball. the entire thing lasts till around 7, where we depart for dinner together. and thats the programme EVERY sunday. and its not only a few people..its like 80% of their youths. i really want you guys to experience the culture in WEFC, see how if we can incorperate some elements into our programmes. although there is a lot of waiting, i dont mind, because i get to know more people, catch up on their lives.

and that's something that keeps drawing me back. the people and the close-knit community. they keep informing me of when they are playing floorball during the weekdays, and i get constant encouraging sms' from them. i have a free communication with them, something which i wanna have with you guys. when im feeling down, somehow they can sense it and they push me up. thats something i wanna be part of. in YZ it's a different scenario. i really dont feel at home there even though i've been there for years. the only people i find i can talk to is jian horng and lance. no one else. and its a sad reality i face up to every week. i try to do my part, sit with you guys during service, join in for lunch and stuff, but somehow i never feel welcome. and thats the reason why i never wanna bring my friends to YZ coz im scared it will just turn them off. honestly the only happy moments i can recall was last year's camp and the mission trip, nothing else. recently i brought a friend to WEFC, and the thing is he wanted to come back without me having to prompt him. that is the type of environment i want to nurture in YZ.

for people to feel welcome, friends and people that we can communicate to, trust for support. i know it takes time, but can we please see what we can do in that aspect. make people feel welcome and all, share the love of Christ to all around.

[Lance] - im confused on my directions. but if my friend wants to attend church, i will be attending WEFC. somehow i feel as if the passion i had in serving last year has disappeared. i feel so on fire when im in WEFC (they evangelicals like us, not charismatics), but different when im in YZ. a really good fren of mine reminded me to leave it to God, let Him do as He wishes and in time watch His Plans unravel. maybe i really have been trying too hard already. im still praying for directions, i really dont know where the Lord will lead me to. i seriously need prayers, coz i feel so messed up now. i dont know if i should stay or move on. but dont blame me if i ever leave YZ because i will just follow His calling. dont tell me to stay there just because you want it, i want to know where He wants me to be. please please pray for me.

2006-06-17T02:26:00.000+08:00

lucille and yuntian, i really thank you gals for such a wonderful time of fellowship. even though i go for dinner with my church youths the feelings just not the same. we have so much to talk about, so much to catch up on, how we are doing in our spiritual lives. it was really a great and affirming time.

[yuntian] WOW..i really got nothing much to say. lucille keeps telling me to admit that you have grown so much prettier. fine, i'lle say that, but not only physically and in terms of looks, but i can see you really radiating and shining. its just like God's Glory is bursting through you!! i really enjoyed today. feel as if we havent talked for decades. seriously, i hope we can meet another day and just sit down to talk.

[lucille] appreciate the fact that you harbour such thoughts when you were younger. i hope they will come true. anywayz i just realized how much we have in common, especially in thinking and idealogy. i dont really object you coming to my church, but i just hope that God can really do something through you, to touch the hearts of the youths there, especially since you are like an "stranger" (but sister in Christ ya). really really glad that you see a need in missions, hope that in future we can sorta work together or something. so happy..now got someone to talk to about such stuff..lol

talking with you gals really set me thinking. well lets start from basics. here's sixteen years worth of thoughts and feelings all crammed inside me. if you care enough to read through, dont complain about it's length. if not, i would really appreciate if you scram. dont mind my manners coz when im serious, i dont accept any rubbish. im just being frank and forward from this point onwards.

im a super complicated guy. for starters im not ur average guy. im much more emotional, so its extremely hard for me to get back on my feet after i've fallen. i dont have good control of my emotions, usually i let them rule over me. i get so affected by them that i act accordingly. i wanna be independent so i usually reject people's help. its extremely hard for me to get over something or someone or what i believe in. im also more sensitive to other people's feelings, so usually i can sense what they are really feeling even if they try to hide it. and i used to be anti-social. i liked my peace and all, forgive me if i ever offended anyone, but im trying to change. while that anti-social part of me is mostly gone, its still in there somewhere, and sometimes it triggers. i find it extremely awkward to open up to new people, especially those im meeting for the very first time. suffered two heartbreaks and still trying to recover from it. wanna let go and just be friends but easier said than done.

dinner opened up my eyes to so many more things i've been missing while i was so engrossed in my own small world. i really miss primary school times and i would really give up anything to just relive the whole experience. the innocence. the fun. the people. all lacking and gone ever since i've moved up to secondary school life. i miss all the people in admiralty, felicia, aziz, shirin, yining, benedict, jason etc. all the innocence and fun we had, making volcanos and race-cars, all the project work, the games during recess, chasing each other. i have never ever appreciated all these, but now its too late. i would give up anything, anything just to relive that experience.

it makes me wonder what happened to the me in primary school. where i have disappeared to. gone and lost forever, with only fragments of memories to show for? replaced by a depressed and anti-social me? isnt that just typical human nature, to cherish something only when we have lost it? so many doubts, so many questions, so little time.

it justs opens my eyes to see how little time we have here on earth. the unpredictability of death, striking any moment like a thief when we least expect it. i feel like i've so many things left undone, people to reach out to in the world, lives to save..especially my own. people to express thanks and gratitude to. things i wanna accomplish for God. a life that radiates His Glory. so many things unfulfiled, only with the comfort that we have victory over death through Christ. is it really fair? that my worthless life is saved by His redeeming blood? that so many other have yet to open the door for the King, heading towards hell?? ever seen faces of children so happy, without knowledge of what beholds after death? i have, and it just pains my heart. what can i do for this people, for God?

physically sick, mentally depleted, emotionally pierced, spiritually exhausted. so many doubts to clear, sometimes faith alone doesnt do the trick.

[physically weak] trying to assume someone whom im not. a good volleyball player. better-toned body. perfectionist. everything im not. i must learn to accept the fact that im not any of those, living up to being a CHILD OF GOD.
[mentally depleted] thoughts running rampage in my minds. so many questions to clarify, so many doubts to clear. where is He when i need him most? where are my friends when i need them most?? i know God's always there for me, in fact He's carrying me in my darkest moments, but somehow i just feel im all alone.
[emotionally pierced] one heart, two deep scars, one of which i've never recovered from. the hope of the future, bleak and despondant. maybe you arent the one im meant for, but somehow i just want it to go my way. i can never let you go. is that what love is all about?? just waiting for that day..in vain. im just so selfish..
[spiritually exhausted] torn in between. not knowing where my directions are. to assume my responsibilites and follow where my heart leads me to? or to save a lost sheep and disregard my DG? my church needs me. i want to bring that revival, the covenant i made with God. it just seems so hard and bleak alone, working towards a goal ALONE. lonely child.

true friends. something which im seriously lacking. for someone to be able to talk to, confide in, share my innermost secrets. where is that person? i dont know. just waiting for that day to come. how i wish i was all grown up. be so much closer to death. good riddance to all the pain and suffering. hello to eternity in praise. death seems to be a luxury i cant reach. something i wanna taste, but yet i cant. to me its that simple. one second of pain, to end a lifetime of suffering. restraints. yet a part of me doesnt want that. to leave without accomplishing what God has put me in this world for. i believe i have a mission to fulfil before i meet my Maker, and i want to do it to the best of my abilities. i wanna glorify God, spread the Good News, and give the gift of eternal life to those who will recieve. i dont care about condemnation or rejection or even persecution. i would die for my faith, go where You lead me to. beacause You died for me.

the closer you are to the light, the greater your shadow becomes. sometimes i wonder why i have to endure so much crap when i cant even handle it..

how much longer can i survive with this life? THIS IS THE REAL ME.

2006-06-17T00:01:00.000+08:00

slept at 4. woke up at 2. left home at 3. standard routine of playing floorball today. eddie and lester came over today. they had a fantastic game, forever in the same team. both as proficient, but well, eddie's a born natural. didnt really play very well today; no idea why. won the first game but than we continued on a losing streak. only scored a goal, rather pathetic..but i think i improved on my defense a lot. seems like in every sport i can only play in defense, i suck at offense. volleyball - blocking, soccer - defending, floorball - defending, tennis - defending.

sarah, yongling, lucille and mervin didnt come today. initially ezekiel said he wasnt coming to coz he had school. surprisingly he was there, apparently school ended early. was a bit apprehensive of going today coz the people that i usually interact with were'nt gonna be there, but im glad i went - it opened me up to more people, like caleb. i thought he had something against me, probably my skill or something. but today i saw that i was probably imagining to much, coz i had some time to observe him and it was probably just his character. known much more people and got to more more people better. left at 7 to meet lucille and yuntian for dinner.

haiz, EVERYTIME i come early, the rest are always late. i guess in my life i can never remember a time when im the late one. i guess its a phobia i had since young to be late. always the one waiting. waited for 30 minutes before they arrived. 4 years really makes a huge difference..yuntian had grown so much physically and spiritually. i mean i had never expected this while i was still in primary school. GOSH. met danial on the way to causeway point. he followed us up to jack's place, stayed awhile then left for tuition. we had such an interesting talk, about our live, spiritual lives and some reminiscing about primary school. opened the floodgates for me. somehow i find it so much easier to talk to girls coz it's kinda like they understand more. most guys are usually so insenstive that they dont feel a thing.

just need some space to think about what's been going on in my life. will blog again at 4a.m.

2006-06-16T02:10:00.000+08:00

HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD - Various Artists

The splendor of a King, clothed in majesty
Let all the earth rejoice
All the earth rejoice

He wraps himself in Light, and darkness tries to hide
And trembles at His voice
Trembles at His voice

How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God

Age to age He stands
And time is in His hands
Beginning and the end
Beginning and the end

The Godhead Three in One
Father Spirit Son
The Lion and the Lamb
The Lion and the Lamb

How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God

Name above all names
Worthy of all praise
My heart will sing
How great is our God (x2)

How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God (x3)

2006-06-16T01:52:00.000+08:00

i guess i better get used to sleeping earlier. been sleeping so late/early this few days, especially with school reopening so soon i best get rid of this habit. anywayz gonna play floorbll in 14 hours time!! guess if i can wake up, im gonna down to church earlier to get some work done.

pretty fed up with angelfire. i didnt know about this bandwidth theft, so i uploaded some songs and linked my blog to it. it worked for awhile, after which they banned my account. grr..so hard to find a proper hosting site. makes me wanna get my own personal website, just for all my songs. they are cramming up my computer - 1658 songs, 6.5gb.

had quite a good dinner today. yien came over today coz her dad needed to get something from my dad. stayed here about 3 hours. at first pretty hostile atmosphere, but it was ok later on. we played bridge for the whole 3 hours, with my sis and her bro. rather comical, explaining the game took about 10mins, and they were like just playing to win sets for themselves, so it was rather hard to figure our partners. that aside we had a fun time..playing bridge. lol. kinda made me realise how little we have to talk about, especially regarding church matters and stuff. in our committee meetings we can be talking for 4 hours and still not get the matter resolved, but face-to-face, there seems to be nothing much..

so many things to say, but yet i dont wanna offend or hurt other's feelings. i seriously feel sorry for my youth group right now. juz hoping that one day they will be able to share the same culture in wefc. all the fellowship, the fun..and the love for each other; something which is seriously lacking in our youths. i know it takes time but somehow God doesnt seem evident in all of this. it's just like we are relying on our on strengths to get stuff done, with all the spiritual warfare raging inside and we are so oblivious to it. and further more the problems of cliques, which makes them so inert to the other people. somehow i just feel scared to bring people to my church coz im juz worried the attitudes of our youths will turn them off, and thats something i dont wanna happen. weighing the differences, i do have responsibilites back in church, but if eddie is willing to go for service, i'll sacrifice them for him. better is one lost sheep found then 99 others.

maybe im just feeling so torn in between. hope that dinner with lucille and yuntian might clear some of my doubts and set me on the right path.

been focusing on something unreal and worthless. about time i focus on He who is real and worthy..

2006-06-14T15:00:00.000+08:00

im so happy with my new blog!!!

i guess the time now qualifies as a new day. yesterday was fabulous. went to play floorball with wefc at 4. i reached at 3.30, i thought those who had arrived would be playing floorball as they usually do. to my surprise all studying..cannot stand it lor. escape from my house to see more people studying..haha. anywayz i was so happy, coz eddie actually agreed to come and play with us, and he was bringing his friend along!! at least its a stepping stone..praise the Lord!! we were all doing work, ezekiel playing his new song "overjoyed"..that guy is really a talent. he composes his own songs and chords..it really sounds wonderful especially the chorus.

we started off at 4 sharp, forming teams and playing floorball as per normal. today was a bit messed up coz they didnt number the teams, so the match up was a bit funny. nonetheless we all had great fun..i scored 2 goals today!! don't blame my excitement coz i usually cant do that. the second one was fantastic - i managed to steal the ball from caleb (i consider him one of the pros around), there was an open goal and i shot. man, i loved that feeling of scoring..

eddie and lester came at 4.30..was i glad to see the both of them. short intro with lucille, found them a team and went back to play. my team (michel, mervin, ezekiel and me) was unbeatable..2 wins and a draw. quite proud of it. the first game we were trailing 2-0..by some miracle we managed a comeback to win 4-3!! i scored a goal and assisted michel with one..starting to fall in love with the game already..

short snippets of volleyball. eddie's a born natural at sports. he said it was his first time playing and his recieving is almost near perfect. and in floorball he played very well, almost scoring a goal in his first game. mervin joined sam and me in playing volleyball, after that his hands were bruising red and black. ouch, but it happened when i was in sec 1, not used to it i guess. played more volleyball and floorball.

yongling was so upset because her team lost all of their games. first time i ever seen her so downcast, instead of the cheerful one i know. poor girl, trying so hard to cheer her up. dont know what happened in the end, think she's ok now. she and sarah went to work in frankie's cafe. lucille made for me this very beautiful bookmark. im so touched by her..since primary school we weren't really the best of friends, but i guess in the 4 years we never seen each other she's really grown and matured, and i see her on fire for God. its really amazing what He does in our lives, shapes it and moulds it to make it beautiful.

went out for dinner with lucille, eddie, mervin and ezekiel at burger king. had a good time of fellowship and eating, all so hungry except lucille who didnt even finish her burger. went walking around in causeway point. lucille brought us to the 6th level, the one in between the cinema and the arcade. we sat down in a corner, talking and listening to ezekiel sing his self-created songs. at first i felt a little weird, but soon warmed up to it. talked a lot about our lives and stuff then we made our way home.

on msn eddie said he wanted to come again this friday. IM LITERALLY BEAMING FROM EAR TO EAR!! its really amazing how God works in our lives, coz 2 weeks ago eddie was so apprehensive about church and all, but this week he suddenly opened up. i feel as if the taboo is no longer there, and well he seems much more open now. just so amazing. be praying for proper follow-up and eventually that eddie will come to know Christ.

i feel in wefc i've met so many people, the vibrant and close-knitted youth community. that church is starting to grow on me, its somthing i wanna be part of. right now i feel so confused and torn in between, i dont even know my directions. i've met a few people whom i feel are going to play a very important role in my life:

sarah - invited me and my sister to their youth service. its from her that ezekiel and me ever started going for their floorball sessions. a sister truely doing her part for God. extremely sociable and fun-loving.

lucille - made me feel at home in wefc. lots of encouragement from her, especially her recent mission trip and love for eddie. touched by the extremes she will go for her friends and what she believes in.

yongling - cheerful and bubbly. she just haves an aura of comfort and knowing that things will turn out well whenever she's around. never fails to bring joy and laughter wherever she is.

mervin - a brother whom i can easily communicate with me. a pillar of support and encouragement, especially that his mother is not a christian and stuff. sincere and loyal.

eddie - eddie is just an example of how God shapes and moulds us, the wonders and miracles that God can come up with. i just hope that eddie will eventually see the Light and accept Christ. and somehow i sense sadness behind his strong-will face. pray that whatever problems he may be facing or going through, he can always turn to our Father for comfort and help.

we are playing floorball again this friday at 4, after whch im going for dinner with yuntian, lucille and hopefully eddie. can't wait for that day..and holidays to be over. im sooooo bored at home..