show me the way ;

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

~ 1:06 AM ~

was just about to go sleep when suddenly an influx of thought crosses my mind. and all of a sudden, i suddenly feel very important. i just realised how much i love all 3 of my younger siblings. even though sometimes they can be as pesky, annoying, irritating, spoilt brats etc, still i love them. i dont know why though, coz love's just has a very funny and complex nature.

everyday i'll get fed up by caleb's incessant shouts, cries, pestering and running around the house, that everyday im "forced" into shouting at him. and then he'll go off and cry somewhere in a corner at home, and the whole cycle starts again 5 minutes later. i still remember the first time i rushed down to the hospital after school to see him for the very first time, that petite form where God breathed life into. i vividly recall that instance where he had jaundice and had to stay in the hospital under an intensely bright bulb, and i could almost feel the family's pain in my heart. i can recollect the times where he refuses to eat, where he demands to have his way, the tempers and tantrums he throws. but most of all, if anything, i'll remember all those hugs and kisses he gives me, be it for sweets or just to get his way..still an act of love. i feel so ashamed at times for having to threaten him or to shout at him.

the most i shout at is at beatrice, sometimes for the most stupid and minute things, always up to my mood swings. reminiscing the times where i vied to decide where she sits on the dining table - beside me, those times when i'll hold her hand to reassure her, the time where i'll tickle her non-stop. all scarred with memories of shouting and bullying..surfacing thoughts of her innocence. she used to write letters to me, do drawings and cards and all sorts of art forms on paper and give it to me. birthday cards, simple post it reminders, simple placards, she did it all with love and sincerity, but somehow i'll always just brush it away. i still keep some of her handiworks in my box of memories.

and i guess it'll be natural for me to be much closer to amanda, given the much smaller age gap. everywhere around the house, i'll see pictures of us, the younger us. my favourite picture? the one where i was only 4 and when she was 2, during chinese new year. she was sitting on the highchair and both of us smiling widely. i still rememeber that quirky smile i used to have and detest when i was younger. that picture, a reflection of all the innocence and joy in the world. 13 years passes ever so quickly, and who we once were isnt a reflection of ourselves anymore. sometimes i try too hard to limit her, afraid that she might mix with bad company, do things that will ruin her life. over-protected. i dont ever want to see her get hurt, as long as its something that i can prevent. yet i always seem to be missing out on the point that we all learn from experience. we'll always have quarrels now and then, but somehow that sense of closeness just isnt as strong as it used to be. yet, she's still my sister and i love her.

everytime the 4 of us are together, i'll feel a very strong sense of responsibility, that the 3 younger ones are under my charge. its a very very comforting thought, imagining how we'll all grow up to be like, the jobs we'll have, the families we'll create and the people we'll turn out to be. and i feel so accountable for them now. even though it really sucks to be the eldest at times, yet whenever i think about the future, it just brings about this sense of satisfaction within me.

and in the process of it, i think, or more so, i know that im learning to be a father someday as well. stuff that my dad once did to me, i'll reciprocate to my siblings. dad always use to ruffle my and just kiss me on the head. he would always buy stuff for me when i was younger, carry me home when i was tired and do all sort of stuff that i wouldnt do myself. and most of all, he'll always tell me how he'll sacrifice his life in order to protect us all. thats something i will never forget, and all these small acts that i loved so much when i was young, i want my siblings to experience that too.

its a great feeling to cover blankets for them when they're asleep, push pillows under their heads and shove the bolsters back into their arms when they kick it away. i enjoy ruffling caleb's hair and kissing his head too. and even though it hurts my finances, i love buying small little stuff for my siblings, and always see how they struggle to get the flavours that they want. i love holding their hands when we go out, especially caleb's when walking down the stairs. i want to see them all grow up, from the whiny young brats to mature, sensible and independent adults. and maybe one day, we'll be laughing about our childhood over a drink.

and though i sometimes complain about being the eldest coz of the responsibility and burden, i really do thank God for making me the eldest child in the family, coz i derive so much satisfaction just by seeing how great and important a responsibility God has bestowed upon me. and i must admit im really honoured, though it rarely shows, to have such wonderful and adorable siblings.

even if i may shout or berate them so very often, deep down in their hearts, i do hope they know that i too would give my life for them and the extent of love i have for them. i know they know, and thats why i love them(:

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about me

daryl chew
seventeen and counting
07021990
bpghs volleyball alumni
child of God
missionary in making
acts 20:22-24
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