Saturday, December 30, 2006
~ 1:53 AM ~
was just thinking about something at my aunt's bbq today at her place. saw this group of people who were of the same age, and it really set me wondering..
what if i could be somebody different than who i am today?
if i could think less, would it help me to open up to people? i would have lesser worries and cares in the world.
if i could be cool, would people like me more? i would have more friends to talk to, be invited for all the fancy dress parties etc..
if i could be like everyone else, would i fit in?
its hard not being able to fit in this society, while everyone is hooked onto something the world desires. sex, parties, staying out late, keeping with trends, clubbing..and the list goes on. what everyone (well most at least) wants, i detest (to a certain extent). what everyone detests, i desire. pretty ironic aint it?
while people are enjoying their holidays, partying and staying out late, going for prom and keeping in contact, and having all the fun in the world, where am i? off in a foreign land to do mission work. looking back, i realised how much i missed in prom, all the fancy dresses and the final fellowship as a level together. i missed that chance to really enjoy myself with all of them for one last time before we part ways. and it really hurts deep inside to know how much you have missed; prom, class outings, bbq at mr loh's house etc..but..
i wouldnt have traded that one month for anything=)
but always, i have this desire to be like others. be cool for once, and get all the attention. i guess everyone has something they would like to emulate. its sometimes hard to accept that God made me differently, that i often feel lonely and alone. its hard not being able to mix around be be as sociable as people are, always shy and not daring to speak up. its hard not being able to let go of things i hold on to, while others are finding it so easy (my point proven in the case of multiple lovers). its hard having to always feel out of place..
His purpose is still void of any meaning to me, but someday i hope i can break out of this chain. i know He wired me this way for a purpose, but still..its not easy to see where all this can lead to. not unless you are going to be locked up in a castle tower and spend the rest of your life alone.
however, i always see the silver lining in this. in times of need, times of desperation, times of despondance , i can only seek solace in one place. His unwavering mercy and sustaining grace..
