Saturday, December 30, 2006
~ 1:53 AM ~
was just thinking about something at my aunt's bbq today at her place. saw this group of people who were of the same age, and it really set me wondering..
what if i could be somebody different than who i am today?
if i could think less, would it help me to open up to people? i would have lesser worries and cares in the world.
if i could be cool, would people like me more? i would have more friends to talk to, be invited for all the fancy dress parties etc..
if i could be like everyone else, would i fit in?
its hard not being able to fit in this society, while everyone is hooked onto something the world desires. sex, parties, staying out late, keeping with trends, clubbing..and the list goes on. what everyone (well most at least) wants, i detest (to a certain extent). what everyone detests, i desire. pretty ironic aint it?
while people are enjoying their holidays, partying and staying out late, going for prom and keeping in contact, and having all the fun in the world, where am i? off in a foreign land to do mission work. looking back, i realised how much i missed in prom, all the fancy dresses and the final fellowship as a level together. i missed that chance to really enjoy myself with all of them for one last time before we part ways. and it really hurts deep inside to know how much you have missed; prom, class outings, bbq at mr loh's house etc..but..
i wouldnt have traded that one month for anything=)
but always, i have this desire to be like others. be cool for once, and get all the attention. i guess everyone has something they would like to emulate. its sometimes hard to accept that God made me differently, that i often feel lonely and alone. its hard not being able to mix around be be as sociable as people are, always shy and not daring to speak up. its hard not being able to let go of things i hold on to, while others are finding it so easy (my point proven in the case of multiple lovers). its hard having to always feel out of place..
His purpose is still void of any meaning to me, but someday i hope i can break out of this chain. i know He wired me this way for a purpose, but still..its not easy to see where all this can lead to. not unless you are going to be locked up in a castle tower and spend the rest of your life alone.
however, i always see the silver lining in this. in times of need, times of desperation, times of despondance , i can only seek solace in one place. His unwavering mercy and sustaining grace..
Monday, December 25, 2006
~ 2:08 AM ~
Father God help me not to be so full of complaints about my spiritual family, but bring each and everyone of them in Your abounding love and grace. help them to see Your wonders and works in the world, that You may raise each of them to service for Your Glory. Help me to love each and everyone of them, and not always be so critical. Help me to love them like you love them.
And thank you for Your precious gift 2000 years back, for Your Son Jesus Christ You sent into this sin-ridden world, to take the punishment for our wrongs and to give us this wonderful chance to be with You for all eternity.
Happy birthday Jesus!
Sunday, December 24, 2006
~ 12:58 AM ~
its so late, and for the first time in a long long time, im actually blogging? hmmm, still gotta wake up at 7am tml for church..
been wanting to blog about my trip and all, but i guess fatigue has really been the main cause of not blogging, not to mention laziness. plus im kinda caught up in the flurry of gift wrapping, and it takes 15 mins for me to wrap one present. dont ask why, guess its just the way perfectionists do things; dont kinda trust anyone else to do it for me too:) but hey, thats not really the true spirit of christmas right?
i know one thing i learnt in this trip was about giving, and for the first time in my life, i can honestly say that i have been giving with a cheerful heart. i used to do it so grudgingly, even for offerings in church. i can still hear myself say "$5 can get you a fast-food meal, so why give it to God?". and its so true, the reason why i couldnt give before was because of my materialism. i always wanted this and that, everything under the sun. i wanted an iPod (though i have one already, but its so bulky), i wanted a PSP, i wanted to repair my PS2, i wanted to get the original version of Final Fantasy 12 and the guidebook..i wanted..i wanted. everything was about me and what i wanted..
but as i come out of the trip, im beginning to REALLY see that these are things which i can survive without. almost 2 weeks without surfing in a internet-deprived society kinda made me realise i could actually survive without the computer, and that there was a much better way for me to spend my time! not to mention the redundancies of the iPod and gameboy that i brought there..
so tomorrow is going be the first test in really giving with a joyful heart, but i believe i can do it. in fact these few days i have been giving and giving, and its really a joy to see people's face light up when you give them a hope to continue on living. recently just adopted a child from world vision - a 5 year old Filipino boy. every month it is a commitment to give $45 to support the child. this is something new for me indeed, but i know that God will surely bless that child and his family with the money recieved! and while we in Singapore are so blessed with so much, i think that $45 a month isnt too much to ask for. its $1.50 a day to save for the whole month, but if you dont think you can come up with the full sum, why not share it with someone else, like your siblings?
in a way, i want to get my sister involved in missions too, so i also want her to contribute $10 to the overall sum. like i said it may nor be much, but hey at least it is a stepping stone. make your giving according to your allowance lest God makes your allowance according to your giving. thats the true spirit of Christmas, in which God gave His only Son to die on the Cross for the redemption of our sins and eternal salvation. what more could we give back for the children that God loves so deeply? anywayz, nuff' said coz im really tired. plus waking up early tml isnt exactly helpful. and the constant weight on your mind of what is going to happen in church for the first time after 6 weeks..
whatever it is God, i commit all these into Your hands for Your glory. i reufse to be discouraged, but instead to continue striving on for the Lord!
