i feel that there's a gap between our friendship.

i dont know what, i juts feel a void in between. the lack of communication. sometimes i feel like im a liability more than an asset. maybe coz sometimes i feel shut out from your world. dont tell yourself you cant relate. you can and you will.

broken friendship? i choose not to think so.

i was never an optimist, but before you it seems like i just need to be. to cheer you up and calm you down. life's not easy, and i cannot claim i have gone through much more in life than you, but i wish i had. He uses these trials and experiences to shape and mould us. EVERYTHING will work out in His perfect timing.

dont worry.

the back-row.

the area so densely populated. new-comers. fresh faces. sleeping patrons. people who are partly-oblivious to the Word of God.

why sould the people in the front row hear the Word of God twice, when the people in the back-row hasnt even heard of it once? third-world countries, tribal locations in the jungles, beggars on the street etc..

the back-row.

thats where i want to be. reach out. welcome the visitors. talk to the. make them feel at home. radiate the love of Christ. yet at the same time people think im anti-social. maybe i am.

i admit i was, but im trying to change. its not easy, and that aspect of my character is still rather prominent in me. to a certain extent its good, coz it gives me more space to breathe and think about things, but than again i push people away. an invisible sphere with no way to breakthrough. im trying, but it takes time..

sarah and lucille, thank you for sitting beside me during service, but honestly speaking i would like to be alone. im one who gets distracted very easily, and somehow i cannot keep my focus for long. something i learnt 4 years ago on my first mission trip. a stranger among a group of 15 youths. but i think through that i was really able to see much more, coz my focus was not on my friends, but for the purpose in being there. i appreciate the company, but i feel closer to God when im alone. when there are no distractions and i can fully concentrate on Him. at the same time, welcome those around me.

im not being anti-social. im just being me.

so many problems on my hand. the list just keeps piling up. not that im complaining or anything, to the contrary i love doing all this, but somehow i just feel like i need a break. eddie, wanda, jonathan, james, ronald..and so the list keeps adding. over-commitment, not being able to give my 100% in what i do, thats my biggest worry. toss in schoolwork and my home church. a mist of confusion and pressure just waiting to explode. can i supress it?

yet i jut want to have that one extra problem in my life. that problem of dealing with my friend's problems. encouraging and comforting them. i see how close-knitted you people are, and i want to feel that too, be a part of it. i will just say it out directly, im not ashamed to admit, i dont have many friends. my anti-social attitude people think i have, sometimes the over-enthusiasm and irritating me when i try to know someone better, saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, and even because i have a different personality than most youths in this generation. thinking about things which are of absolutely no concern to me at all, the kill-joy and serious perception. im not gonna change that, coz that's who i really am.

but than again what if things were different?

seems everytime i want to blog is a time when there are too many things on my mind. this blog basically serves as an oulet where i can just rant and scream. not my intended purpose though..i wanna reach out to the world, that it will set them thinking about Christ. that is what i want to do. but until im emotional stable, i guess this blog will just have to serve as an outlet for my frustrations..

that aside, i hear so many people saying the same thing. with a more secure and stable life, does it necessarily mean that we are too sheltered to bear the spoils of reality that awiats us? i guess we have even more things to worry about, experiencing more than what we need to, more than what we can bear.

"no one understands"..such a common phrase. a pick-up line to catch people's attention. everybody's saying it..but look deep down inside.
what are you struggling with?
what am i struggling with?
what are we struggling with?
look deep down inside and you'll find maybe we aren't so different after all.
maybe we're experiencing the same things..

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalms 34:18

half-dead already..staring at this glaring screen.

haiz today was really fun. would like to post but im really tired...*yawns* other days perhaps.

elated yet a sense of contrite lingers. havent been spending much time with my charges. feel so lousy now.


annoyed, asleep, bored, broken-down, burned out, collapsing, consumed, decrepit, dilapidated, distressed, drained, droopy, drowsy, effete, empty, enervated, exasperated, fagged, faint, fatigued, fed up, finished, flagging, haggard, insubstantial, irked, irritated, jaded, narcoleptic, overtaxed, overworked, prostrated, sharoosed, sick, sleepy, spent, stale, superannuated, wasted, weary, whacked, worn..


i called.

you answered.

and YOU came to MY rescue.

"look for someone who will light the candles, not curse the darkness"

another week. another luggage of worries.

trying to travel light, but i cant. always getting involved in what doesnt concern me. being at the wrong place at the wrong time. saying the right thing at the wrong time. lost. confused. HELPLESS.

i know where i need to be, but yet is that where i really wanna go to? calling at one place, heart at another. can i ever give my best in whatever i do. once i felt torn in between. trying to mend the scars, stich it back. yet it seems on one side another split is opening. i really dont wanna go for CG anymore, because the more i do, the more i feel torn i between.

isnt it ironic? coming here to escape reality just to find it again.

dont know where i should really go now. i thought i had it all figured out, guess i thought wrong now. i cant possibly be at two places at one time. tugging at both sides, where should i go. neither left nor right. i will walk straight to find You.

i know you guys mean it jokingly whenever you say it, but i take it seriously. two on one side, three on the other. i feel lost in between, not even wanting to have to choose between both. seriously, im just another person. whats so special about me? nothing, i feel like i will only cause more trouble. you guys know how i feel, and honestly speaking, i dont want to have that feeling here again. i just want a happy friendship with ALL of you, without having to ever CHOOSE.

[to the one who owes me waffles]
it's really been great knowing you and all. like i said i have so many things to say to you, mainly because im really inspired by your faith in God. so many things has happened in your life, but yet you are still standing strong for the Lord. and i really want to be like you, to have that faith that He will carry me through. you really have been an encouragement to me, and i hope i will be so too. whatever happens, always know that He will be there to carry us through. whatever we have experienced, God has exprienced ten-fold. He even knows what its like to lose a loved one, because He gave His only Son to die for all of us. amazing grace, that He would die for sinners such as us. He really understands ya. run on for Him..forever.

[to the one who lent me his PS2]
i still remember the first time we met. you were calling me to join your team for floorball but i was rather reluctant. as time passed i came to know about a different side of you, one that is so similar to mine. and sometimes i feel that you can relate to whatever i am feeling, and i really appreciate your effort in trying to reach out to me. but somehow probably i just sense so much more in your heart, so many more things that are bothering you. and brother i just wanna let you know that i will always be here to lend a listening ear or a helping hand. and He will always be here to carry us through. never forget that.

[to the one who made me feel welcome in church]
well i see you everyday in school..from the first impression i had of you, you have truely proven me wrong. i see you so on fire for God that sometimes i reflect back on my life and im wondering what im doing. i see Him radiating in your life, with your constant smile and cheerfulness, you never fail to cheer me up when im down. i see how God has used you in His church, the joy and encouragement you bring to other people. your openess and jovial character. and i really thank the Lord that i came to know you. really thank you for all the encouragement and relief you've given me. thank you for everything.

[to the one whom i always play table-tennis with]
thanks to you i can say my skills have improved considerably!! that aside, i really have to say again that im really proud of you. how God has changed and shaped you within this short time, even with a construction of a Christian blog. i really appreciate you efforts in reaching out to eddie, as well as being a good friend who is always there for me. i see you more God-like, and that is just a testimony of how God has changed you into a better person, a real example that He shaped us into something more beautiful. my prayer for you is that you will continually turn to Him in times of desperation and need, and not succumb to peer pressure. the devil is always there to try to pry us away from God, and i pray that ou will stand firm in times of testing and trial. live for Him and shine for Him. burn on brother.

[to the one whom i was always at loggerheads with]
like i said so many times i never imagined i would share this type of friendship with you before in my life. nonetheless im happy that God has put you back in my life. im really encouraged by your devotion in calling eddie down to church all the time, and your determination. i know sometimes you might feel wierd about it, like sending out wrong messages, but dont worry. i am sure God will use you mightily especially in the world. pray that you will never ever forget what your first experience in sawa was like, never let that fire die down. so many people out there need to hear the Good News. let us who can go, give them the gift that our loving Father has given us. go and touch the world.

[to the one whom i really pray for salvation]
it has been a miracle all the time with you around. i guess you dont know this, but we have all been witnessing a miracle, a miracle so close, a miracle which is you. from the once stubborn and obstinate guy i known, you've really grown into someone more than that person i once knew. im really happy to see you in church and one day i hope i can be serving alongside you. but i just want you to know that its your choice. to accept Him, or not, its all your choice. like i said before, no strings attached. but im really proud of you, especailly standing up for your friends and just being there for me. thank you so much..

guys, im really encouraged by ALL of you. maybe you dont realise it, but i dont think i have ever been happier in my life. just hanging out brings a smile to my face. its your presence and encouragement that spurs me on. seeing how God has worked in your life, how on fire you are for Him, i never ever want to see that disappear.

stay strong.
run on.
and finish strong...

together.

Leaving is Loving
"Woman, behold your son." (John 19:26)

The gospel is full of rhetorical challenges that test our faith and buck against human nature.

"It is more blessed to give that to recieve" (Acts 20:35)

"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it" (Luke 9:24)

"Only in his home town and in his own house is a prophet without honour" (Matthew 13:57)

But no statement is as confusing or frightening as the one in Matthew 19:29. "And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or field for my sake will recieve a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life."

The part about leaving land and fields I can understand. It is the other part that causes me to cringe. It's the part about leaving mom and dad, saying goodbye to brothers and sisters, placing a farewell kiss on a son or daughter. It is easy to parallel discipleship with poverty or public disgrace, but leaving my family? Why do I have to be willing to leave those I love? Can sacrifice get anymore sacrificial than that?

In the morning Jesus came in from the shop early, his eyes firmer, his voice more direct. He had heard the news. Her son took off his nail apron, dusted off his hands and with one last look said goodbye to his mother. They both knew it would never be the same again. In the last look they shared a secret, the full extent of which was too painful to say aloud.

Mary learnt that day the heartache comes from saying goodbye. She wasnt the first one to be called to say goodbye to loved ones for the sake of the kingdom. Joseph was called to be an orphan in Egypt. Jonah was called to be a foreigner in Nineveh. Daniel was sent from Jeruslem to Babylon. Abraham was sent to sacrifice his own son. Paul had to say goodbye to his heritage. The Bible is bound together with goodbye trails and stained with farewell tears.

In fact, it seems that goodbye is a word all too prevalent in the Christian's vocabulary. Missionaries know it well. Those who send them know it, too. The docotr who leaves the city to work in the jungle hospital has said it. So has the Bible translator who lives far from home. Those who feed the hungry, those who teach the lost, those who help the poor all know the word goodbye.

Airports. Luggage. Embraces. Taillights. "Wave to grandma." Tears. Bus terminals. Ship docks. "Goodbye Daddy." Tight throats. Ticket counters. Misty eyes. "Write me!"

What kind of God would put people through such agony? What kind of God would give you families and then ask you to leave them? What kind of God would give you friends and then ask you to say goodbye?

A God who knows that the deepest love is built not on passion and romance, but on a common mission and sacrifice.

A God who knows that we are the only pilgrims and that eternity is so close that any "goodbye" is in reality a "see you tomorrow."

A God who did it himself.

Jesus looked at Mary. His ache was from a pain far greater than that of the nails and thorns. In their silent glance they again shared a secret.

And he said goodbye.

[no wonder they call him the savior, max lucado]

LEAVING 99 - Audio Adrenaline


I'm lost and broken, all alone on this road
The wheels keep turnin', but the feelin' is gone
When I fear I'm on my own
You remind me I am not alone
When You said

I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you
For you alone
I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you

It's dark and lonely and the path is unclear
Can't move my feet because I'm frozen in fear
Then you say, "My child, my child -
I am always here, I'm by your side"

You're never too far down
I promise you'll be found
I'll reach into the mud and mirely clay
Pursue you to the end
Like a faithful friend
Nothing in this world can keep me away


this song means so much to me.

will You always be here, right by my side?

the only thing is that i wont forget spain.

6 years down.

i promise

run on.

coz all that i could ever ask for is You.

no mood to blog, shant even bother anywayz. going for a run tml to clear my mind. cya

leaving you.

somehow those words are etched deep in my heart. wanting to do so, but yet unable to. lucille's words ring deep in my heart. maybe the only reason that He cannot use me fully is because of YOU. so many drops of tears shed, so many emotional scars scratching me, so many memories to let go. in the end is it worth it?

i dont think so. as much the wind howls and the sea beats, one just can't force love. maybe its really time to move on with life. just another fragment of memory, sweet and wonderful, but like the jagged edge of glass, cuts you as deep. a permanent scar forever etched there. never healing, always wounded.

i have said it so many times before. yet one after another, that determinence is broken. where's my resolve? i really wanna get over you, but im also not willing to let go. so selfish. just so selfish. looking back on all the hurt and pain i inflicted on myself. maybe one day i will laugh at myself for being so silly..

one day..but not just yet. i wanna cherish the moment of having you right beside me, yet im chasing for something so illustrious that will never come true. if your heart finds a place in him, what right do i have to stop you? takes me just so long to understand that love cannot be forced. or is it even love? or being in love of being in love?

so many more things to do in this world. why am i spending so much grieving on broken mirrors? they just reflect a distorted image. a false hope, a facade, a LIE. things of the past...forget them.

let you go..and i will be free.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past." Isaiah 43:18


[to you] sometimes it seems like i dont care about anything that happens, but deep down inside i really care. i just want you to know that you have lots of great friends around you, and whatever happens, be it for better or for worse, i am very sure that they will always stand by you. never feel alone because you have them. people who care, people who love you. never forget them.

and i dont think i have ever said this, but now i wanna say it one last time.

i loved you.

prone to mood swings. ya thats me. dont really know what to blog about..so tired..

anywayz today was open sunday in wefc. dont even know why they call it open. had an entire afternoon of games and short bible messages. the event quite cool. maybe can do it in twpc someday. lol..

went out for dinner with yonling sarah benn and timothy. the lagsana was like mush (baby food), and for the $5 price tag i dont really think it was worth it. my mom really cooks better lagsana!!!

today' sermon was interesting. "Start Strong, Finish Stronger". really speaks out in today;s society because sometimes Christians get so caught up in worldly affairs such as school, and work. time always seems to be lacking and eventually many back-slide. talked about how we can prevent such stuff, a perfect illustration in the book of daniel.

WHEN YOU FEEL THAT YOU ARE ALONE IN THE RACE, AND NO ONE IS SUPPORTING YOU; COME BACK
WHEN YOU ARE TIRED, AND NEED SOMEONE TO GIVE YOU REST; COME BACK
WHEN YOU ARE IN THE DARKNESS, FAR AWAY FROM THE LIGHT; COME BACK

COME BACK TO THE FATHER.

the search for true friendship. it ends here. maybe i have been to preoccupied with worldly affairs, i miss even the most obvious of things. never noticing that it is right in front of me. it is You alone.