show me the way ;

Saturday, June 17, 2006

~ 2:26 AM ~

lucille and yuntian, i really thank you gals for such a wonderful time of fellowship. even though i go for dinner with my church youths the feelings just not the same. we have so much to talk about, so much to catch up on, how we are doing in our spiritual lives. it was really a great and affirming time.

[yuntian] WOW..i really got nothing much to say. lucille keeps telling me to admit that you have grown so much prettier. fine, i'lle say that, but not only physically and in terms of looks, but i can see you really radiating and shining. its just like God's Glory is bursting through you!! i really enjoyed today. feel as if we havent talked for decades. seriously, i hope we can meet another day and just sit down to talk.

[lucille] appreciate the fact that you harbour such thoughts when you were younger. i hope they will come true. anywayz i just realized how much we have in common, especially in thinking and idealogy. i dont really object you coming to my church, but i just hope that God can really do something through you, to touch the hearts of the youths there, especially since you are like an "stranger" (but sister in Christ ya). really really glad that you see a need in missions, hope that in future we can sorta work together or something. so happy..now got someone to talk to about such stuff..lol

talking with you gals really set me thinking. well lets start from basics. here's sixteen years worth of thoughts and feelings all crammed inside me. if you care enough to read through, dont complain about it's length. if not, i would really appreciate if you scram. dont mind my manners coz when im serious, i dont accept any rubbish. im just being frank and forward from this point onwards.

im a super complicated guy. for starters im not ur average guy. im much more emotional, so its extremely hard for me to get back on my feet after i've fallen. i dont have good control of my emotions, usually i let them rule over me. i get so affected by them that i act accordingly. i wanna be independent so i usually reject people's help. its extremely hard for me to get over something or someone or what i believe in. im also more sensitive to other people's feelings, so usually i can sense what they are really feeling even if they try to hide it. and i used to be anti-social. i liked my peace and all, forgive me if i ever offended anyone, but im trying to change. while that anti-social part of me is mostly gone, its still in there somewhere, and sometimes it triggers. i find it extremely awkward to open up to new people, especially those im meeting for the very first time. suffered two heartbreaks and still trying to recover from it. wanna let go and just be friends but easier said than done.

dinner opened up my eyes to so many more things i've been missing while i was so engrossed in my own small world. i really miss primary school times and i would really give up anything to just relive the whole experience. the innocence. the fun. the people. all lacking and gone ever since i've moved up to secondary school life. i miss all the people in admiralty, felicia, aziz, shirin, yining, benedict, jason etc. all the innocence and fun we had, making volcanos and race-cars, all the project work, the games during recess, chasing each other. i have never ever appreciated all these, but now its too late. i would give up anything, anything just to relive that experience.

it makes me wonder what happened to the me in primary school. where i have disappeared to. gone and lost forever, with only fragments of memories to show for? replaced by a depressed and anti-social me? isnt that just typical human nature, to cherish something only when we have lost it? so many doubts, so many questions, so little time.

it justs opens my eyes to see how little time we have here on earth. the unpredictability of death, striking any moment like a thief when we least expect it. i feel like i've so many things left undone, people to reach out to in the world, lives to save..especially my own. people to express thanks and gratitude to. things i wanna accomplish for God. a life that radiates His Glory. so many things unfulfiled, only with the comfort that we have victory over death through Christ. is it really fair? that my worthless life is saved by His redeeming blood? that so many other have yet to open the door for the King, heading towards hell?? ever seen faces of children so happy, without knowledge of what beholds after death? i have, and it just pains my heart. what can i do for this people, for God?

physically sick, mentally depleted, emotionally pierced, spiritually exhausted. so many doubts to clear, sometimes faith alone doesnt do the trick.

[physically weak] trying to assume someone whom im not. a good volleyball player. better-toned body. perfectionist. everything im not. i must learn to accept the fact that im not any of those, living up to being a CHILD OF GOD.
[mentally depleted] thoughts running rampage in my minds. so many questions to clarify, so many doubts to clear. where is He when i need him most? where are my friends when i need them most?? i know God's always there for me, in fact He's carrying me in my darkest moments, but somehow i just feel im all alone.
[emotionally pierced] one heart, two deep scars, one of which i've never recovered from. the hope of the future, bleak and despondant. maybe you arent the one im meant for, but somehow i just want it to go my way. i can never let you go. is that what love is all about?? just waiting for that day..in vain. im just so selfish..
[spiritually exhausted] torn in between. not knowing where my directions are. to assume my responsibilites and follow where my heart leads me to? or to save a lost sheep and disregard my DG? my church needs me. i want to bring that revival, the covenant i made with God. it just seems so hard and bleak alone, working towards a goal ALONE. lonely child.

true friends. something which im seriously lacking. for someone to be able to talk to, confide in, share my innermost secrets. where is that person? i dont know. just waiting for that day to come. how i wish i was all grown up. be so much closer to death. good riddance to all the pain and suffering. hello to eternity in praise. death seems to be a luxury i cant reach. something i wanna taste, but yet i cant. to me its that simple. one second of pain, to end a lifetime of suffering. restraints. yet a part of me doesnt want that. to leave without accomplishing what God has put me in this world for. i believe i have a mission to fulfil before i meet my Maker, and i want to do it to the best of my abilities. i wanna glorify God, spread the Good News, and give the gift of eternal life to those who will recieve. i dont care about condemnation or rejection or even persecution. i would die for my faith, go where You lead me to. beacause You died for me.

the closer you are to the light, the greater your shadow becomes. sometimes i wonder why i have to endure so much crap when i cant even handle it..

how much longer can i survive with this life? THIS IS THE REAL ME.

Comments: Post a Comment

about me

daryl chew
seventeen and counting
07021990
bpghs volleyball alumni
child of God
missionary in making
acts 20:22-24
youthz.aflame@gmail.com [msn]
youthz_aflame@yahoo.com [email]

youth zone

we delight in the Lord Jesus
choosing to serve Him as a family
assisting people to find freedom in Christ
building them up to help change the world

aspirations

the whole world to know that Christ lives again!
full-time missionary for Christ
get my directions right

true way presbyterian church

prayer list

doulos stint
a heart of faith and trust
remaining faithful
committment to do daily devotions
eddie's salvation
raise up a generation of God-fearing youths
world-wide salvation and revival

leave a note

links

[d e b o r a h]
[e u d o r a]
[g r a c e c h i a]
[g r a c e w a n g]
[i r n a]
[j i n z h e]
[l i n u s]
[l i t i n g]
[l y n n]
[m e r v i n]
[s a m u e l]
[v e r a]
[y i n g t i n g]
[y o n g l i n g]
[y o u t h z o n e]
[y i e n]
[z u l h a f i z]